te quiero

this is spanish for I love you. I always say this to Skye, about a million times a day. Today in the bath he was goofing around for his dad, I looked at him and said "te quiero" he looked back at me and said "te quiero". This is the first time he's told either Chris or I that he loves us. A big day in our home.

On other good news, Forrest has suddenly started boogie dancing again today. It was something he did all the time as a little one in our laps, holding his hand, and suddenly today out of no where the boogie started up again.

my boys are amazing...

Giving Thanks

So sorry it has been so long between posts, but this is a busy season, and I was down with some strain of some sort of flu. It was less than wonderful, but I seem to be on the mend.

What an amazing thanksgiving we had, even if it was a non-Thanksgiving in the eyes of a traditionalist. We were supposed to go to Grandma Foxley's house (my mom) for dinner, but Wednesday I went down for the count with an awful GI flu, that I'm still working through. Regardless though we had such an amazing weekend. Chris was on point as primary parent, which I think was good for both him and the boys, as well as needing to take care of his incapacitated wife. I think everyone had a great time. Skye broke my heart with just what a sweet little boy he is turning out to be. I was laid out on the couch, looking like death warmed over, and Skye was my little helper. He'd bring me stuffed animals, lay a blanket on me, and kept stroking my cheek. It was so sweet. Chris got a photo of Skye snuggled up on the couch with me. It was so sweet.

Forrest continues to grow and develop into such a fun little boy. He has these moments where he'll just run circles through the house screaming out of the pure joy of running. He'll do a pass by, look at me and grin from ear to ear, and continue the lap. Last night me, Forrest & Skye all ran around in circles and cracked up. I can see how these 2 boys are going to be so close.

The other amazing thing we've got going on is Skye is 100% potty trained. Not sure why it was so easy, but it was. He's been dry every morning for close to 10 days. He still wants to wear a diaper at night for the security, but he's totally diaper free the rest of the time - including naps. Speaking of sleep, both my guys have become great sleepers. I can expect to sleep until 6:30 each morning, and both boys are down by 8:00 each night. It's been so nice to know that I'm going to actually get some sleep on a regular basis.

So maybe it wasn't a Thanksgiving weekend that we'd imagined for Skye's first real US holiday, but it was a wonderful weekend for our family of 4. I had a moment earlier this week that struck me as so wonderful. I realized that I couldn't imagine my life without Skye, he really has become my second son. It's pretty amazing. I am grateful for these 2 wonderful sons and such a great husband.

my kids are amazing

It's been a long year, or so, and suddenly I'm looking at these 2 little humans and wondering who actually trusted me enough to grow 2 new people? You know what it doesn't matter because it's great. I realized the other day that I am truly joyful in my life right now. There were moments last spring and early summer that I was filled with joy, and these last few months have been a mixed bag - some days so wonderful and light and some days as dark as they come. The past 2 weeks though something has shifted across the board and everyone is doing better.

Skye is more and more like a little 2 year old demon, rather than a demon in a 2 year old body! He continues to show such empathy towards his brother. Forrest fell off the bottom stair today and Skye wanted to hold him and make him feel better. Of course he's too little to hold him, but I squatted down next to him and he kissed the back of Forrest's head and then rubbed it. It was sweet enough to bring a tear to my eye.

Last night was a hard one for Skye. He was struggling to go to sleep and when I finally came up, around 9:00, he was still up bouncing around. I got him some water and told him to go to sleep. About 45 minutes later he started to cry and grouse, I was annoyed at:
a) him making all that racket when he needed to go to sleep &
b) why wasn't Chris coming upstairs to get him, since I was trying to catch up on some zzzzz's.
So I came out of our room, calmly but not too happy, said "what do you want?" and then took a look at Skye. He was bug eyed, blood around his mouth and all over his hands. My first thought was - "what the hell did you do to yourself". Then I realized that he had a bloody nose, and it was streaming out of his poor little nose. I brought him downstairs, we stripped off the bloody pj's, and sat him down on the couch to deal with the blood. Chris had to restrain him while I pinched his nose - it just wasn't stopping on his own. Poor thing just freaked out. As soon as we were done (about 2 minutes) he turned to me, wrapped his arms around my neck and held on for all he was worth - little legs all scrunched up like a frog. I rocked him and shushed him, and let him know he was okay, and after about 10 minutes he fell asleep in my arms. He woke up when we put him in his new pj's, but then pointed to the stairs and said "mama" (b/c he can't say cama). We put him down, and of course a few hours later he got another bloody nose and so we put him in bed with us. Damn space heater is the blame. Forrest slept blithely though all this - and of course popped up at 5am! Luckily went back down after a few moments and slept until 6:30.

Funny how my life revolves around the sleep, or lack of sleep I get. It's such an integral part of the equation. Chris was commenting last night that he didn't know how I did it. I looked at him and said "do what", seriously I had no idea. And he answered how I was able to do all the things I do during the day, take care of the kids, and never get more than 7 hours of sleep and night (and pre-baby I was a 9 hour a night girl). My response was, do I have a choice? Seriously, it's just what mom's do, and in a nutshell there was one of the answers of the different between a mom & dad. There is NO way I will ever let Chris get as sleep deprived as we were those first few weeks we had Forrest. I love the man, but he becomes a liability when he doesn't sleep. Ask him sometime about forgetting to put Forrest back in a diaper after changing him b/c he was so tired. It's just interesting to me that he wonders how I do it, and my thought was "what else would I do?"

I turn 40 on Friday, and realized that at this stage I have lived less than half my life. It reminded me that there is so much more time, and so many things that I can still do. Right now my job is to raise these two humans into the best people they can be, after that my focus can go back on me (to an extent). But I am content with my life right now, I look forward to returning to work when the time presents itself, but right now what better job does anyone have than growing a few sons? I am truly blessed.

This is the viejita, or old woman. After snuggling on my lap for quite some time, nudie b/c he's decided he's anti clothing right now, he insisted on wearing this blanket like a shawl. The funny thing, was when he came up to me with his hand extended, looking totally pathetic, wanting a hand out. Do we think he's seend immense poverty in his short life? This was one of those times that I am so grateful that I've spent time in Latin America and understand where this is coming from...

After the request for alms for the poor, he took off on the bike. He LOVES this pink satin heart. I picked it up at a children's exchange sale b/c it said Foxy on one side. Now Skye LOVES this thing, as you will see below..

Suddenly the heart becomes a hat...

Needless to say we've made some amazing headway with Skye in the past few weeks. Not sure what happened, but things are very different. He is acting much more like a "normal" 2 year old, and less like a crazy boy.

I'll get some photos of the walker Forrest soon.

love how my boys are starting to be brothers

Today was a big day for me. I started getting sick and was home with the boys. I always wondered how mom's stayed home when they were sick, now I know. Luckily Skye could figure out that I wasn't feeling well at all and really tried to keep it together. Both boys also decided to take monster naps this afternoon, so I got some real down time.

Skye is finally realizing that
a) Forrest is a baby
b) Forrest is his brother.
He'll find Akbar whenever Forrest starts to get upset and bring him to Forrest. He tries to be nice when Forrest is whacking him in the head. I think he realizes that he's not trying to hurt him b/c he sees Bug clocking me in the head as well. Today though was the sweetest. As the boys were getting ready to take their bath Skye leaned over and gave Forrest a kiss. It was so sweet. Later in the bath Forrest leaned over and gave Skye a kiss. They are really getting super sweet.

Forrest is seriously starting to walk. He cruised across the living room today, and is starting to walk before he gives in and crawls. Soon he'll be a cute little toddler dude.

vacation #1

So far so good. We are at our family's cabin (well house really) at Black Butte Ranch. Both boys are asleep and Chris and Grandma are reading. We've been here for almost 3 days and Skye has done great. We've had our moments, but for the most part he's as relaxed here as he is at home. We've gone to the pool every day, which is a hoot. I don't think he's ever been in a pool, and freaks out at first and then splashes around. There is this little innertube that I taught him how to float in, and he's pretty comfortable in the water. Unfortunately Forrest has not been able to show off his swimming skills as he's had a snotty cold and the water is too cold. Cold enough that I have to dive off the end to actually get into the pool with Skye. Luckily I still have some extra insulation from carrying Forrest to keep me warm!

There are some things going on with Skye that continue to concern me. I have a deep seeded fear that he was abused in one of the foster homes. I'm not going to go into great detail, but there have been a few things that make me feel like my suspicions are true. There are some fixations that are not developmentally "normal" in a 2 year old, and some actions (and reactions) that aren't "normal" as well. I'll chat with our social worker about it and move on from there. What I will say is that we can get through this as well, and I'm angry. Angry that it took so long to get this little guy here and find out that someone hurt him. It's not fair and it's not right. We got an email from a previous foster family last week and I got pretty steamed. They delivered this little boy so dirty that it took Chris 3 or 4 washes to get the grease out of his hair, smelly nasty clothes, no toys (not even the ones that we'd sent down 6 weeks prior for his birthday) and no extra clothes. This is not how you treat a little boy. I know my job is to move through my anger, and I work on it daily. But when your son is showing signs of abuse, it retriggers it all over again...sigh

Oh and to add to the insanity of our adoption journey (Jennifer you are going to LOVE this!), I get an email from my agency letting me know that they neglected to make copies of the documents for our dossier before they sent it down to Guatemala, and did we happen to have copies so they can close out our file. I'm sorry, what?! Isn't that one of the main things that your adoption agency is supposed to keep track of? All I can say is thank the Lord nothing was lost or damaged in Guatemala or we would have had a HUGE issue. I have copies, somewhere. It made me laugh, in a sad twisted sort of way. I am so grateful that we are done with this process and can just move forward and love on our son.

Forrest is getting very close to walking. He took a few more steps in the kitchen, and then fell down on his booty. He's so funny because he just doesn't care if he walks or not. He can get from point a to point b crawling just fine. I think though once he starts to walk, it's running in a week. That's just kinda how he does things. It will also give him a fighting chance when Skye does mean things to him. Frankly I worry for Skye when Forrest is really able to defend himself. Forrest is going to be so much larger than his "big" brother. We took him in for his 1 year check up, and he's still in the 93rd percentile in height. Weight and head size are much lower, so he's going to be tall and skinny. The one really nice thing about the doctor's visit was Joe telling us how confident Forrest is. That he's unusually confident for a 1 year old. It made me feel good as a mom, that we are doing the right thing for our son to bring him up in the world. As much as I love and squeeze on him, it's also so important to me to help him learn who he is as a person - all in due time of course. He has become such a calm mellow little guy. Yes he screams with gusto when he's frustrated, but he's just as easily and quickly redirected and back to laughing. Joe (our md) also commented on how different Skye is. That he seems so much calmer and confident as well. It felt good to have someone who sees kids all day long really reinforce all the work we are doing. I feel proud when I look at my 2 boys and see such sweetness in them.

Being a mom is pretty dang cool I have to say. I don't think I'll have more than these 2, but they are enough to fill my life with such joy and love. It's pretty dang amazing.

where's the camera when you need it?

Forrest is asleep for his morning nap and Skye is cracking me up. He's wearing his pj's, socks on his hands (his current fashion statement), and is dancing to the silly music thingy with the big bunny. I tell you, he's a funny little boy! Dinner last night was a crack up. He was being totally goofy and making me laugh and laugh. He's changed so much.

Okay found the camera - dead battery! Oh well...off to watch sesame street!

Forrest is 1

Just a quick update, as things have been a bit funny lately. Forrest turned 1 on Sunday. I can't believe he's an entire year old. Still not walking, but so close. Just needs the confidence to do so. I cut my finger at the end of the day on Sunday. Hoping this isn't the start of a lovely plan to get a scar every year on Forrest's birthdaty - or spend any time in the ER! Can't belive I beat both my sons into the er. Luckily I was only there for 40 minutes, and got 3 stitches. Heres a little photo of me as I returned from the hospital - and yes I drove myself there and back....someone had to stay home and do bedtimes1!

Okay Forrest is running, well crawling through the house and finding all sorts of stuff to get into that isn't good - like I think the garbage bags...gotta run! Will post birthday photos at some point soon!

has it really been 3 weeks?

Amazing how time flies when you are working your pants off. I had someone the other day make the statement, or at least started to say, that getting woken up at 5:15 am isn't that big of a deal when you aren't going to work. Um hello?! I may not be able to leave my house to "work" but trust me I am working. Harder than I even have in my life. And frankly I love it. Not every hour of every day, but what a gift to be the mom of these 2 little boys. They make me laugh all the time, as well as tear out my hair.

Forrest is going to be 1 in 4 days. I can't believe it's been an entire year. I jokingly said to Chris the other night, "wanna have another?" seriously, I can't see myself with 3, or even being able to afford more than 2, but there is such a sweetness to Forrest that I would love to have another one like him. Of course with my luck I'd have the devil child and rue that thought. Skye is improving daily. He's got his moments where he really pushes every limit and boundary, and then he's got these very sweet moments. The sweet definitely outweigh the nasty. It just seems like some days he wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and is out to punish everyone. Luckily it's only about 1 time a week.

We've been to the zoo a number of times in the last few weeks. It's a great way to entertain the kids, I get a bit of walking exercise (which is good, especially if Chris and I keep getting the elephant ears when we go together), and the kids get to see some animals. Skye loves the fish, and had the crap scared out of him yesterday when one of the new cheetahs came right up to him face to face in the glass. He jumped backwards and grabbed on to me so fast, it was sweet and a little funny. He wouldn't budge for the life of us for some time after once he realized that he wasn't going to be eaten. I think that poor cheetah is just waiting for one of these little kids to become a snack.

I'm going to try and attach 2 videos from today. It's funny we had some very dear friends meet Skye last weekend - randomly ran into my teachers at sushi on saturday night - and Mas Goeroe Agoeng Barbara was so surprised at how little Skye is. I just smiled and said we're hoping he gets to 5.5 feet. People seem to forget that he's mayan, and little. I guess it's that big old spirit that makes him look so big. Trust me he's just a peanut. He's currently wearing 18 month clothes, and that's only b/c we need them to fit around his belly. We'd put him in 12 month clothes if they'd fit. Oh well.

Okay it's only going to be one b/c this is taking forever! If you have facebook, friend me and you'll see some of the others, that way I can load them and do other things while it's taking FOREVER!

Okay here are the videos. I'll try to be more mindful about updating, but we'll see...

As I said in the very first blog, this process is going to be a day by day event. I won't say this has been a good week, in fact it's had many more downs that ups. Luckily the week ended on a high note. I'm not sure what happened over the last 24 hours, but even Chris commented that Skye seems like a different person, and Forrest isn't a cranky little beast. I will say that for me I went to bed at 8:00 last night, and slept until Forrest awoke at 6:30 - well I actually got up at 3:30 to hold & nurse Forrest through a bad dream. I feel like a different person. Skye also wasn't challenging me as much as the days prior. Maybe it's that I have a appointment with my social worker to process all of this, maybe it's that my unemployment has finally been figured out, maybe it's that I acknowledged that I'm bummed I didn't go back to work this year (or more importantly I lost a job that I really liked). Frankly I think it's a mix of everything.

I didn't post a really wonderful thing from the other day b/c with all the hard stuff, the good gets lost in the mix. I have to remind myself that it's the positive stuff that's the saving grace, and the nastiness will be the moving through stuff. Anyway, I was in the kitchen doing something (probably dishes!) and I hear Forrest squealing and laughing, I look over and both boys are lying on the floor by the back door and Skye is tickling Forrest. They are both laughing up a storm and acting like brothers. I almost cried, but instead I cracked up right along with them. Of course as all 2 year olds do he pushed it too far and put Forrest into a head lock and sent him off crying, but it was one of those moments that gives me hope. The other amazing thing that has happened this week was at the block party. I didn't witness this, but it was reported to me by Chris and about 3 other neighbors. Forrest was upset about something while my neighbor Chris was holding him - can I just say that he is the best human with children I've ever met, too bad he's gay, he'd of been the best of dads! My Chris went over to him, at the same time Skye showed up with Forrest's water bottle. Without being asked, or even talked to, he heard his brother crying, found his water bottle and brought it to him. These are the precious moments that I hold on to when the days are bleak. There is such a kind, sweet, compassionate little boy in there. I feel so grateful when he comes out and says hi.

This is definitely a work in progress. I feel so lucky and taken care of by my friends and teammates. We have consistently had dinner brought to us every other night since Skye's arrival. My mom has come once a week and hung with Forrest so I can spend time with Skye. I just want to acknowledge all these people, because without them I know I wouldn't make it through this process:
Silvia - for organizing food, being a rock solid teammate, and always being there
Daniela - my friend, my confidant, my old punk buddy
Abi - who brought us the best dinner, including wine & dessert!
Peg - brought enough food for 3 dinners, wow
Tai - who signed up for 3 dinners almost in a row as school was starting
Anna B - not only for the wonderful dinner, but the frequent flier miles that got Chris to guatemala for free, and first class no less!
Amy - my neighbor who is becoming a friend and is such an inspiration with her 4 children, it gives me hope that I can handle 2.
Sandy (and Nancy) - who just keep coming by with food on random occasions b/c they have it, and it is soooooo good!
Julia - for such great spanikopita and friendship that is boundless
Rachel - your enchiladas were great, and your friendship is even better
Nong - not only is Calvin one of the cutest babies I know, this woman can cook! Her corn cakes have become a main stay in our household.
KK & SaSa & Isaac - dinner with you was so great, we love your calmness in parenting and our very long friendship
Tabitha - for food, friendship, mama-hood together, and all that other stuff. you rock sista!
Momza - you keep coming over and Forrest is finally not crying. I am so grateful for the time you take with your grandson so I can work with the other. I may not say it enough, but I love you tons!

There are other folks through the rest of the month, but these folks have been there so far. Can't wait to go see our friends Scott, Jamie, Natalya, & Tristan on Sunday. They've got a farm out in Oregon City and we are going to hang out there and have dinner. I miss having them as neighbors, but I gotta say our new 'hood is okay.

Okay gonna go watch tv with the hubby and take a moment.

facing the facts

Things have, as always, been up and down the last few days. The block party went well, although I did have to bodily carry Skye into the house when he didn't want to give up the scooter that one of the girls up the street let him use. It's so hard to give things that you really love back. Hopefully we don't have too many of these incidents.

Today, and yesterday, I had some rough incidents with Skye. Yesterday I had a friend come by, another mama friend, and I'm not quite sure what happened but he freaked out when she left. Sitting on the curb and screaming Mama! at her car driving away. I had to carry him into the house and then hold him. Meanwhile poor Forrest is melting down b/c his brother is screaming and I can't do anything but let him lie on the floor and cry b/c I'm worried that if he gets too close to Skye, Skye will whallop him. Also in the long run Forrest will bounce back much more quickly than Skye. The other sucky thing was when I decided to do an attachment check with Skye today. I gave him his bottle, as usual, but pressed him for eye contact during the bottle. He not only refused, but started to scream and then tear himself away. This is a HUGE red flag for me. No I don't think we've got a full blown attachment dx, but there are warning signs. I know he needs to be here for 3 months, at least, before we look at any "lables" but I also know that things aren't quite right. The general exhaustion I feel, and the incessant tugging at me that Skye does. Seriously, he will say mama 1000 times a day for no reason than to get my attention. It may seem funny until you hear it all day long.

Okay, gotta go Forrest is not crying himself back down, he's crying himself hysterical. Will this mama ever get a moments rest?

block party today!

Should be interesting to see how the boys do when our street gets blocked off, the neighbors are out eating and drinking, and there's a live band up the street. Hopefully we'll have a good time, if not it's right outside our door so we can tag team.

Had my friends Maria and Kate and their daughter Chase over yesterday for dinner. It was great to see them and good for Skye to have someone closer to his size to play with. She was willing to take him on regarding toys so it helped with the sharing thing. I think Forrest just liked to have someone else to follow around. Skye continues to do better and better with visitors. He didn't get nearly as panicked and was out and socializing very quickly. I really am in awe at what an amazing child this little boy is.

Forrest is 11 months old and will soon be a year. Where does the time go? How did my little one become such a little boy? I found video of him at 4 weeks yesterday and it was so sweet. It looks just like him and yet he's so different now. I'm blown away at the flight of time. He's such a sweet funny little one. Every day you can see him getting older and learning more and more. He's really working out this standing thing, many times I find him standing up all by himself, unsupported by anything, and looking so dang proud of himself. I truly love that little guy.

Okay gotta make corn fritters for the block party and get that pork marinating for the bbq. Enjoy today, and thank your local union for having today off and your 40 hour work week!

I thought I should upload some photos. I'm not very good with the layout, so please bear with my insane process. These are a few more from the month of August. I can't believe how BIG Forrest is getting. The family photo is the first - and only - whole family photo. We'll get more. I have more pictures on my phone, but can't find the usb cable - of course.

This is from the farmer's market that we've been going to on Thursday nights for dinner. Skye loves this place b/c he gets berries and gets to listen to live music and boogie down.

There is a splash pad at the park near our old house that we've been going to that Skye LOVES. He is very timid at first and then just goes hog wild.




























Forrest is so serious when he's playing outside. He's definitely smiling more in the past week, than the past month. I think he's getting used to having a big brother and sharing mama.

short and sweet

I'm tired, but happy. We had a very very good day with Skye and Forrest today. Both were in exceptionally good moods, which makes things so much easier. Had a hard day with Skye yesterday, he's a very stubborn little boy and dug his heels in about something that I wasn't willing to budge on. End result was a 75 minute tantrum, but then he totally had a turn around with Chris and I. Started talking, being compliant, not pushing as many limits, still being 2 but not a horrid 2 year old. It's funny how much he understands and hope we don't know that he understands.

Forrest is getting closer and closer to walking, or at least understanding the concept of it. He stands all the time, and is starting to experiment with standing without holding on to anything. Unfortunately that meant standing over and over again in the tub tonight, and then falling down over and over again into the water. Good thing he likes water so much, b/c he was going under a lot.

I had my first nap w/o tears from either boy today. It was so nice. Both of them just went to sleep without any hysterics, yelling, screaming, or even grousing. I am so thankful for that. Some days I feel like all I do is make my kids cry.

I had my first foray to the store today with 2. No one there understood why it was such a victory, b/c no one would know I've had the almost 11 month longer than the 2 year old. Both did great, let me get the essentials - coffee, beer, half & half, and meat - without any issue. I think Skye must believe that every store is there to feed him. New Seasons has the bread, and costco has everything around every corner. Makes for a much easier store trip.

Okay I'm beat, off to sleep. Hopefully I can locate my camera - it's somewhere in this house - and I'll load some new photos. I also want to send my love to my friend Jennifer who just got home from Ethiopia and visiting her soon to be 2 new kids. She is taking the adoption plunge once again - her current youngest is a beautiful little Guatemalan girl - with 2 children. I know the visit was amazing and so hard to give them back. Sending you lots of love mama, those 2 (yikes!) new ones will be home with you so soon.

sleep - what a new and excting thing

As many of you know we have been working on Forrest's sleep for close to 5 months. Who knew that you had to TEACH a baby how to sleep? Yes some come pre-programmed, ours unfortunately missed that database upload and we had to do it the old school way, training and crying it out. Why am I talking about this today? Because for the past 5 nights we have put Forrest down without tears, yelling, grousing, or anything else remotely negative. Chris and I have both received smiles, yes smiles, when we layed him down in his crib. If you had told me in April that my son would be able to go to bed without screaming, I'd have told you you were nuts. It's amazing what just a few short months have done.

Forrest still isn't walking, but he's getting closer every day. He pulls himself to standing with very little pulling - like climbing up the wall to a standing position. He's starting to take a few steps along the furniture, but not cruising just yet. Hopefully I'll have a few more weeks of a crawling baby. Although I think the park will be much more fun with 2 who can walk.

Skye grows with leaps and bounds every day. He's had his challenges the past few days, namely visitors. We aren't bombarding him with folks, but we also need to have some semblance of a life. Our friends Kenan, Serra and baby Isaac came over for dinner on Monday - dinner provided by them! It was good for Skye to be around other folks, other lactating mamas (I haven't blogged about the boob thing, it's a bit too weird even for me...) and other babies. He was really good. Shy at first, and then coming out of his shell and acting like a regular show off 2 year old. Yesterday a very dear and old friend came over with her 2 kids - Lillie (5) and James (almost 1) - again he was very withdrawn at first. It was hard, he woke up from his nap with a mama and 2 kids, and he immediately jumped in his lap and wouldn't move for anything. When I suggested he put on his shoes so we could go out back, he almost became hysterical. I then realized that he thought he was going to be handed off again. So I sat with him and told him many many times in Spanish and English that he was here to live with us forever. As soon as he sort of believed me, his whole demeanor changed. He tried saying Lillie, blowing her kisses, running around and goofing, basically it was like a light was turned on. It made me realize that we need to un-insulate ourselves and have visitors to help him move through the panic that we're going to send him away.

Bedtime continues to be a hard thing for Skye. He has such strong separation anxiety that us leaving the room, even if he's almost asleep, sends him into a screaming fit. Lately though even those have lasted no longer than about 3 minutes - much better than the 25 - 30 minutes we had just 2 weeks ago. I know it's hard for him, and I know that every time we "leave" and return it reinforces that he's here to stay.

Skye is such a funny kid, so much smarter than he wants us to think he is (damn Chris just left and he's screaming his head off....). He'll pop off with something in Spanish that comes out of nowhere, and we realize he's understood everything we've said and is choosing to ignore us. Oh the love of a 2 year old. He's got a few English words, but you wouldn't know them if you didn't spend all day with him. The current words are: thank you (day do), pee (bee), boob, beer, Riley (iley), and Blanca (caca, the neighbors dog). I'm sure there are others but these he can consistently say.

So the boob thing is a bit funny and a bit weird. Obviously I'm still nursing Forrest - only about 3 times a day now - and Skye sees it. He's fascinated by my breasts and the milk that Forrest is getting. I had said earlier that if he wanted to nurse I would nurse him - why not he's my son and I have the milk. He's tried twice, and gets as far as being in the nursing position, putting my breast in his mouth and then turning his head away, putting his hand up and saying "no". Lately though, especially when there are people around, he wants to check my breast out, so I'm having an conversation and he's trying to pull my shirt down. It's funny and a bit weird. I just tell him no not now, later. I'm not surprised he's interested, but the fixation is pretty funny. I swear some days I feel like there are 2 attention vampires following me around and vying for my attention, although both actually have a lot of love to give as well.

Forrest, post bath tonight, just wanted to be with mama. I was showing Skye how to blow bubbles and in crawls Forrest, yelling all the way in. He sees me, pulls himself to standing next to me and immediately starts patting my shoulder, rubbing my head, patting my head, and pulling my hair. It was so sweet, he just wanted my attention. He's been doing this more and more lately. Skye is just a little love bug. If he could he'd just kiss and hug me all day long. He's especially snuggly in the morning. We've found that his morning goes much better if he gets to spend time in bed with one of us before coming downstairs. He just snuggles in, wraps his arms around my head, smiles like a little pixie and hugs and kisses me for all he's worth. Is adopting a 2 year old hard? Hell yes! Are there amazing rewards, beyond belief.

Here's one last cute Skye story. We were on the back porch this afternoon playing with this way cool fort that our friends gave us, and Skye was sitting on my lap for a moment. I told him that I had a secret to tell him, and whispered in his ear "te quiero". He pulled back, looked at me, threw his arms around me and kissed me for all he was worth. This is the first time he's actually acknowledge that I've told him that I love him. I tell him a hundred times a day, and I'm not sure what got through this time, but it did. Every day gets a little bit better.

thank god skye is home....

This is a link and posting to a hogar that was raided in Guatemala City 2 days ago. Three of my friends, one living here in Portland, brought home 4 children from his hogar in the last 6 months. They were stuck in horrible red tape, and this is what has happened to 17 children waiting for their families to be allowed to come get them. Sometimes during this process people would ask me what was taking so long, and all I could say was Guatemalan politics. Here is an example of these politics at their finest. It's pretty awful. Susana has been one of the most outspoken attornies addressing the lawlessness of the police and PGN. I have no doubt that these actions are directly linked to trying to quiet her.

The kidnapping of the Children at the Primavera orpahange
Yesterday , the hogar of Primavera was raided again. Oscar Rivas and Rafael Curruchiche of the the District Attorney Office (Ministerio Publico), Jose Miguel Morales Lopez of the PGN and Jaime Tecú of the National Council of Adoptions came to the hogar, with a transfer order of Cesar, a two year old boy whose adoption started as a relinquishment, turned into an abandonment and it is already at the PGN for final approval. When the lawyers hired by Primavera opposed the transfer, based on the Abandonment Decree of Cesar that states that Primavera could continue the adoption initiated in 2007, if the CNA did not find a suitable family for Cesar within ten days. When the CNA did not place Cesar with a Guatemalan family, Primavera proceeded with the adoption already in process, it was approved by the Social Worker appointed by the Family Court and the file is now at the PGN pending approval, but the CNA refused to obey the court order and decided to take Cesar away,just to show who is in command.

The occupation of the hogar took place with the overwhelming help of policemen armed
with assault rifles and the agent Oscar Rivas , who was extremely rude, did not let in Susana Luarca, the lawyer of the hogar, arguing that there were already three lawyers inside. Around noon, they decided to take all the children with them, with the lame argument that "the children were `abandoned' because the director of the hogar is in jail". That has no legal grounds, because the director Enriqueta Noriega is in protective custody, not in jail, and furthermore, the seventeen children were under the care of three nannies, a cleaning woman and a laundress/cook who take very well care of them, so there was no reason to take the children to another place.

First they went to the Court of Appeals of the Childhood and Adolescence, to denounce that the children were at risk, in order to get a court order to move them. The time was running late, the court closed without giving them the order. That did not stop them. They went back to the hogar, ordered the nannies to prepare the children to go, and when they refused they opened the drawers and filled garbage bags with clothes and shoes, which is a felony, and under the rain, packed the seventeen children, aged from six months to six years into a minivan and took the children to the court that remains open all night, and left them there for over six hours, as the TV news reported, showing the children being treated as criminals, sitting on the floor of a court, waiting for a place to be sent. Around midnight, they found where to place them, although in different orphanages.

Primavera never has accepted children kidnapped from other hogars, in order to discourage the PGN from doing those illegal transfers of children. That is one of the reasons why it is being targeted. We hope that the places where the children are, have their best interest at heart and do not use them as pawns to further their own agendas. The best way to show that they want the best for these precious children would be to actively collaborate in sending them back to Primavera, where they belong, because there are court order for each of them to stay at the hogar Primavera until the finalization of their adoptions.

Susana Luarca, attorney at Law

All I can say is that I'm so grateful that Skye is home safe with us. We had a good & bad day today. He got frustrated with me in the late afternoon and decided he would hit me in the head. Not hard, but with intention. I calmly - thank god I train martial arts and am used to being hit - told him to sit down. He came completely unglued and I ended up having to restrain him. Long story short, he ended up going to a place of such deep and profound grief. Much too much for one so young. The pain and tears pouring out of his eyes was enough to cripple me if I thought too much about it. All I could do was tell him that I loved him and that I was so sorry it took so long to get him home with us. All in all it was close to an hour of this. It just breaks my heart that so many people lost sight that we were talking about a little boy, not a political pawn. All I can do is thank whomever it is that brought him home and give my gratitude that he's not one of the children who were taken last night.

I look forward to those in my life to get to know both my sons. They are both silly, quirky, funny, kind and totally a part of our family. Sometimes I just sit back and watch what my life has become and give such thanks to the universe for allowing me to have this experience. No I don't love every minute of it - frankly I don't really like 2 year olds! - but I love that I get to be these 2 boys mom and hope that I can instill enough strength, courage, and compassion in them that they become strong independant men.

Naps - whew!

It's the first Friday of my first week home as a mom w/ 2 kiddos. I shouldn't be too overwhelmed since Chris got home around 3:15 every day this week, and my mom took Forrest yesterday so I could do some necessary errands with Skye. But man I'm whooped. I didn't realize how much I relied on that mid-morning break to give me the stamina I needed to get through the rest of the day. Oh well, I'll buck up, it just may take some time.

So I think sibling jealously has finally reared it's head, in both directions! I usually put Skye down for the afternoon nap first, and then put Forrest down. Mainly b/c Skye screams so much when you leave the room, and so loudly that he wakes up Forrest. Today, as well as yesterday, Forrest was tooling around while I was giving Skye his bottle when suddenly he realized that someone else was getting all the mama attention, not him. So he crawled over to the chair, grabbed Skye's foot, pulled himself up and yelled at us. I had to laugh, even though he was so upset, because he looked so betrayed. Skye just kept sucking on the bottle ignoring him, and I just had to make sure he didn't give Forrest a boot the face, since Forrest was hanging off his leg. We finally finished, I hugged and kissed Skye and put him in the crib. We left as he was reaching his arms out to me, screaming loudly. I would be more concerned if the screaming didn't stop immediately when you picked him up. Does it suck? Yeah.

We got the greatest toy today, that is going to get hours and hours of play. I bought a water & sand table. Forrest is addicted to water, he will seek out a water source like a deveining stick. We can't put the dog water on the floor, for fear Forrest will take a swim. So the table is about 5 feet long, 3 feet wide, and had a divider in the middle for water on one side, sand on the other. I decided that right now we'll just put water in it and let the heathens go. Holy moly, Skye played in that thing for almost 90 minutes. Splashing, putting the water from one side to another, dipping his goldfish crackers in it before eating them. Forrest woke from his nap and got down to business. He stood for close to an hour splashing, giggling. throwing stuff around. I think I've got a winner here. Of course they were freezing when they came in, but they didn't notice.

After lunch I put on the Crystal Method - some techno crap - and boogied with the boys. Skye does this hysterical little bobbing dance, Forrest swings an arm in the air. It got everybody good and warmed up and tired for those naps. I keep needing to find creative ways to entertain these kids. TV is not an option. I tried Plaza de Sesamo today, bit failure. Skye has NO interest in it. I got some reaction out of the Wiggles yesterday - help me! - but not much. I do worry that Skye is pretty delayed and wish he would be willing to watch sesame street. He is unable to identify 1 color, number, or letter. Not so worried about the numbers or letters, but colors is a bit distressing. We work it, and he's starting to look at books, you'd think they were going to kill him the way he howls sometimes when we pull them out. Not surprised that he's so far behind, I don't think there was any sort of intellectual stimulus at the last house - except running like a banshee with the brothers.

I can't believe that Forrest is going to be 1 in about 7 weeks. Wow! A year ago I was huge and wanting this kid out of me, now I have 2 running around my house. Amazing what 52 weeks can bring. I miss my job, no doubt about it, and will look forward to going back to work next year. But as it stands I am getting the best of both worlds. 2 years home with my little F-dude and a year home with my guy Skye - and getting paid to boot! I will be glad though when I finally can start filing for unemployment, it will help us pay off that trip to Guatemala.

brotherly love

Skye continues to show the sweetest side of himself. The connection that he and Forrest are starting to create is truly one of brotherly love. Forrest has a horrid diaper rash, we think the acid from the tomatoes he's been eating burned his little butt. Poor thing has a fire engine red butt with 2 weeping sores - yeah pretty awful. This morning post nap Forrest was howling on the changing table, I would too if my butt looked like that. Skye was watching, when I picked up Forrest w/o a diaper, Skye's eyes got huge and said ay-yo, and then did the latin american finger slap thing. If you don't know what this is, ask me to do it sometime it's very latin american and hysterical to see a 2 year old try and do it. Forrest was kind of crawling around on the floor, trying to keep his butt off the floor, and Skye walked into the tv room - after holding his little hand up to tell me to stay - and got a chair my mom dropped off for him. He wanted Forrest to have something soft to sit on. It was so cute.

Of course 15 minutes later we had a pee fiasco. Forrest peed on the bathroom floor, proceeded to crawl in it, while I'm trying to get the pee off Forrest's hands, Skye goes running through the pee, slips and falls on his back in the puddle. For a moment I just sat there looking at my 2 screaming children and wondering how the hell I got here. Then I cracked up, cleaned them up, put them in new clothes and went out the door. Sometimes I am amazed that I have the patience to do this. I fondly remember sitting in my messy office, talking with high school students about what they are going to do next, eating lunch and having adult conversation, and all that other good stuff. I'll go back to work in the future. Honestly I am loving being home, and having the opportunity to watch my kids grow up.

Okay Forrest is screaming in his nap, gotta run!

what?!

Warner Bros. new horror movie Orphan proclaims that it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own. Let me tell you about how an orphan changed my life...As many of you have read, our little boy is slowly changing the lives of all those around him. His willingness to accept such a new and different family structure, home, food, language, limits and everything else is amazing. I cannot imagine one adult I know being dropped into a new family, for the umpteenth time, and expect them to thrive. Skye is thriving. Today during lunch he and Forrest were playing the funniest game and laughing hysterically. Forrest has discovered that it's really fun to offer you food and then when you get near his hand to eat it, he quickly shoves it into his mouth. All the while a twinkle in his eye, he totally knows what he's doing. Today he was offering food across the table to Skye, who would then reach across to get it and Forrest would quickly shove it into his mouth. Both of them laughed and laughed. They continue to act more and more like brothers. Skye's understanding that Forrest is a baby, and gets to do things that he it told no because Forrest doesn't know any better. For anyone to say that you cannot love an adopted child as much as your bio child is crazy. Even the language is off - both children are my own children, one just happens to be biological.

Things are mellowing out. Riley is starting to realize that these kids are here to stay and he'd better get used to it. We had a scary incident the other night with Skye falling on Riley, on accident, and Riley snarling and snapping. Yes he connected with Skye, no he didn't break the skin. It sucks! We are taking it day by day and hoping that we can move Riley through this. Unfortunately if he bites again he's bye bye. I just can't risk the dog biting either of my kids.

Okay this is a short post b/c I am whipped! This mama to 2 is intense work. It's hard by a long shot when you've got 2, but when 1 of them is like a vessel with a hole in the bottom it's exhausting. No matter how much love we pour into him, he always wants more. It's beautiful to watch him flourish, and exhausting all the same.

Be well my family and friends. We love each of you and can't wait for everyone to know Skye for the cutie he is.

Tears of LOVE

There are many things that I can write about today regarding my boys. About how Skye is learning to go to sleep on his own. How he sat quietly and played with his special toy in the pack-n-play this morning so I could put Forrest down for a nap. How cute he is in his Sox uniform from Uncle Sean & Aunt Jen. How Forrest entertained himself in the nursery for close to 45 minutes this morning b/c I could barely keep my eyes open I was so tired. Or the joy he has when you go in to get him after he awakes from a nap all sleepy and cute.

What I want to write about today though, has little directly to do with my boys. I'm going to write about my friend Karin J Kruse, who died at midnight this morning. She was one of the most amazing humans I have known. She was a person who lived her life on her terms, was able to return to London to finish out her days, and was a second mom to me during my 20's. I met Karin when I was 20 years old, at Lewis and Clark College. She taught the advanced self defense class that I took, and eventually was the inspiration for me to begin training Poekoelan. A lot happened during that self defense class that created a connection between us. She was the first person I ever saw test for a first degree black belt in Poekoelan. She taught me how to make a proper cuppa tea - very British you know. When I saw her last summer, she glowed like a light seeing my swollen belly, full of Forrest. She was one of the first people to respond to us getting our adoption decree for Skye and would have loved them like a grandmother had she met them.

I could write pages of memories that I have of her, of things we have done together as teammates, things she shared with me from her wild past (shhhhh PKK I'll keep those a secret), wisdom she gave on how to be a mom, moments we connected on silly things. What I will say though, is that there is always a hug to the knees and then down to the toes for her. I will miss her with all my heart, and celebrate her for the incredible being that she is and was. I mourn that she never got to meet my boys, but know that she sees them and sees our family growing and loving.

The irises will find a home in our yard, a reminder of my friend Pendekkar Karin. I love you PKK, always, forever and beyond....xoxoxoxoxoxo

morning with family

Skye had such a great morning today. We went to Poekoelan camp for about 90 minutes so my friends and teammates could meet him. He was a super star. Very overwhelmed, but able to play ball with people, from the safety of my lap. My friend who has 2 children with attachment disorders took one look at Skye and basically said "you have nothing to worry about regarding attachment." It made me feel better. It was very good for us to be around people and see how he reacted. The concern would be if he ran up to anyone. We are not 100% out of the woods, but it was so nice to be his go to person.

After getting totally overwhelmed, not really but there were a lot of big heads staring at him, we ran around on the Reed campus. He got to blow dandelions for the first time, and looked at me totally with such wonder. Sometimes I forget the beautiful innocence of childhood. To see things for the first time. It's truly a gift to be able to see your own childhood through the eyes of your child. We found an electric box, or something like that, that was a big old cement pit with metal covers that we jumped up and down on, making a ton of noise. He picked flowers, threw sticks and then got to kick balls around in the gym. When we came home, after lunch, he ran around the house playing ball with me and Chris and throwing himself on the floor in peals of giggles after beaning Chris with the ball. One look and you'd never know the trauma he's been through. He was just a 2 year old boy playing with his parents. I feel like the luckiest mom in the world.

Forrest was a HOOT last night in the bath. He's been a bit subdued as he figures out his new family configuration, and we think is starting to cut his top teeth. Something got into him and he started splashing like a little dolphin and crawling around in circles. He laughed and laughed, splashed and crawled. Chris, Skye and I laughed right along with him. When he starts these crazy fits, he becomes so much more accessible to Skye. He will allow Forrest to touch him - normally this causes a shreik of anger - and will play with him. They were just like little brothers having a bath.

What an amazing journey we are on. A week ago I was sitting in my neighbors yard talking to my neighbor Amy and crying my eyes out and today we went to camp where there were easily 75 people around, and he just ran with it. Monday is the next real test of my fortitude and ability, Chris goes back to work. Luckily he is only working 5 hours at work, and 3 hours at home, so I'll have some back up for the rest of August. Still trying to figure out how I'll do naps solo, but I know other mom's do it, so I can as well.

We are blessed, that is all I think lately. Blessed that our son Skye is such a beautiful, sweet, strong resilient little boy. Blessed that our son Forrest is such an easy going, sweet, unflappable little dude. Blessed in having such an amazing community around us who are taking care of us, and a family (who is our community as well!) who are rocks we can lean on.

As a side, totally not baby related, I just need to give acknowledgement of my dear friend Karin. She is currently living in London and is in the process of reshaping with liver cancer. My teacher, her sister, is there with her as are other pendekkars as well. She is such a vibrant being, and an important part of my life. I can only intend that when the time is right she reshapes quickly and painlessly. I will miss her tremendously.

first trip out - success

We had a busy-ish day today. We have all pretty much been home for the past week. I know I said we'd try for a month, but you all know me. Can you really see me staying home for a month? Maybe if I was taking copious amounts of drugs, or am completely off my rocker. We started the day, well the late morning, with a trip to Dr. Joe - the boys pediatrician. Joe is an amazing human, with the kindest of hearts. Oh and have I mentioned that he's fluent is Spanish? A definite plus with a brand spanking new toddler from Guatemala. So the good for the appointment was that he's very healthy - minus the extra bug baggage. Joe said he was one of the healthiest immigrant adoptees he's ever seen. Skye is even on one of the US caucasion growth charts! He's in the 20th percentile for weight, but completely off the charts (on the bottom) for height and head circumference. Whatever, he's Mayan. No extra bugs in the guts and he said that his stomach will start to de-bloat with good food and nutrition. It was great.

The bad part was how completely sad Skye got when we put him in the car. I don't know how much, if ever, he traveled by car except to be moved. It broke my heart when he just shut down in the car. Even though we were reassuring him, he didn't believe us. At the doctor's Chris stepped out without telling Skye where he was going, and I walked accross the office to put away the pens that he was decorating the office furniture with. Poor baby almost completely lost it, but right as the freak out started Chris came back in the room. When we had to get his clothes off for the exam he was just clinging to me. I think the poor little guy thought we were getting rid of him. It breaks my heart just to think about it. There is nothing more sad than a small child fearing that his parents are going to leave him - again. So we got through the appointment and he was still very fearful, we had to bribe him to get dressed again. Continuing to tell him we loved him, he was going home with us, he is going to live with us forever (God I hope not forever, at least until he's off to college!), and that we were his forever family. I don't think he totally belived us until we put him back in the same car and drove home - to the same house. He just glowed like a little firefly. He giggled and skipped all over the house. It was so touching and heartbreaking at the same time.

We decided that because he was so stoked coming home we'd try something new for dinner. We are out of blueberries and thought it would be fun to go to the Eastbank farmers market and get some fruit and dinner. We were totally prepared for whatever. While there we ran into my dear friend Julia, her husband Jeff and the twins (aka the rat babies). We all sat down and had dinner together, along with their friends and twin 2.5 year olds. It was a scene, but such a welcome comfort to see friends. Skye just took it all in stride, gleefully shoving blueberries into his mouth and watching everything. We got him a balloon monkey on the way out, and he was just like any other 2 year old coming home. Didn't want to go to bed, screeched with joy while flailing the monkey, and smiled a purple lipped smile. Do we have a way to go, yes? But have we made amazing progress in just 7 short days? I'd emphatically say yes yes yes! Considering that a week ago I was wondering what I had done to my family, and could we really do this. Now I can say that I love that little guy, for real. Sure we have work to do, the whining is O-L-D! And he makes so much improvement daily.

I did something tonight that I highly recommend doing if you have little babies. If you can, watch them fall asleep, they are a trip! As many of our friends and family know Forrest is not a great sleeper. He didn't really get the hang of how to sleep until he was roughly 8 months old, which meant that mama didn't really get any sleep for 8 months either. Tonight I put bug down, instead of heading out the door, I hid behind the dresser and watched him. We sort of figured out that what makes him scream at night is seeing us leave through the door, so I stayed just out of sight and watched him. It was the funniest thing. He's got 3 stuffed animals in his crib - a teddy bear & ugly doll from Daniela and a monkey roughly the size of him from his great Aunt Christine (whom we have named Akbar due to the middle eastern style vest he is wearing). I always wondered what he did to get to sleep, now I know. He wrestles with the monkey for about 10 minutes, rolling from one end of the crib to the other, jabbering and carrying on. He'd lie on top of the monkey, chew on the bear's head, throw the ugly doll, roll over so the monkey was on top of him, stuff the monkey into a corner of the crib, roll around some more. It was so funny, I can't imagine an adult doing something like that, or even having the room to do so! After about 10 minutes of this, he shoved all 3 stuffed animals into a corner and wrapped himself around them. Totally precious, and totally Forrest.

Okay off to do garbage while Chris wrestles to get Skye to bed. Hopefully tonight will be able to go without too much screaming.

a week in

So we are a week into our son living with us forever. I'd be lying if I said it was the best week of my life. Frankly, it's been one of the hardest. Harder than coming home with a little baby after an emergency c-section. At least all little baby Forrest wanted was some boob and sleep. This little guy wants our whole being and then some. Luckily there are 2 of us to fill him up.

Every day is a new adventure with Skye, and a new blessing. He is finally realizing that I'm not going to eat him or steal his papa away from him. He still gets upset when Chris kisses me, but calms down much more quickly. Today when I was sitting on the floor and Chris was hugging me good morning, Skye started to whine and then decided against it and just came over and put his arms around Chris. It was sweet, although mildly manipulative. Luckily Chris just gave him a kiss on the top of the head and moved on. Skye and I took a trip to the park. He loves to get out into the stroller and cruise around. He's fascinated by all the other kids, but really doesn't want much to do with them. He loves to slide and swing. If you put him in the swing and once he gets going stop looking at him, and then turn your eyes to him as he's right up to you he laughs and laughs and laughs. Which starts me giggling and there you go, we're both cracking up.

Forrest had a rough day, but it was short lived. He's working out so many new things and just gets so frustrated when he can't figure it out. We just let him get frustrated, and eventually he gets it. He's got an obsession with Riley's water bowl. It's bad enough that if we take our eyes off of him when the bowl is on the floor, he'll make a bee line for it before you can catch him. I was out back with Skye when I hear Chris laughing hysterically. Apparently Forrest has taken up residence inside the dog bowl. Chris had put it on the floor and Forrest saw this as an invitation to climb right on in. Such a funny goofy little boy. I so hope he keeps that silly sweet demeanor through his life.

Sleeping continues to be a struggle for Skye. I asked a number of women who I know have adopted from GT what their sleep routines are. It regularly takes us 60 - 90 minutes to get Skye down at night. One of my friends emailed back that a lot of these kids have sleep issues because they have been moved from one foster to another in the middle of the night. So they go to sleep in one house, and wake up in another. What a terrible thing to do to a child - or anyone for that matter! I'd have trouble sleeping if I'd been moved a number of times in the middle of the night as well. Tonight was better on the screaming front. He only freaked out when I tried to leave, and told him I was going to the bathroom and would come right back. He screamed for a moment or 2, and then was silent. When I returned he was standing in his crib calmly waiting for me to come back and tuck him back in. So I tucked him in and sat down to read - I'm done feigning sleep. He took a while to go down, but he finally did. Chris and I wonder if he was keeping late hours in GT, because he regularly goes down around 8:30, which is an improvement from the 9:00 at the beginning of the week. Hopefully we can get him down closer to 7:30 in the near future, so both boys are asleep around the same time. I don't know if we'll ever get them in the same room, it may be bye bye tv room for a while. sigh.

As a whole it's amazing what a week can do for one little being. He's such a sweet spirit for one who has been through so much. We had some visitors today and he was cautiously wary. When my mom came by he came over and stood next to me, then put his arms around me and said mama. It breaks my heart each time, he has so desperately wanted his own mama who wouldn't leave him, and now he has her. I only hope he knows this is forever, not just a few months. It's hard when we have visitors to tell them that they can't hug, kiss, feed or in any other way nurture him right now. I know he would eat it all up, but there's that parent shopping thing that we have to watch out for. He handled the visit well though, no blow back and no regressions. If anything he was happy to have people come by and then leave without taking him. What an awful last 2 years he must have had. This is my reminder when he's in a full scale tantrum, he's such a little boy.

Although he will always be a little boy so I hope he gets his knocks in to Forrest now, b/c very soon Forrest will be bigger than him and I'm sure the tables will turn. Of course I don't want Forrest knocked, but I am raising 2 boys. Good lord how did I end up in such a house of boy? My only saving grace is the girl cat, and she's never around anymore. Oh well, good thing I have so many mama friends and girlfriend to give me that estrogen hit when I need it!

whew!

I am tired. This 2 kid thing is some work. I have no idea how my neighbor raises her 4 kids! It's awe inspiring. Then again each new one came with an older sibling, not the other way around. Forrest has continued to just crack us up. Even though he seems a bit more needy at times, he's just a roll with the punches kind of kid. He'll find something, Skye will take it, he looks so betrayed, then goes and finds something else. It's a reminder to me that moving on is so much better than holding on. Trust me after the process we have had to get Skye home, moving on is such a better place to be than holding on. I won't say that I've forgiven those involved in holding up the process, but I am moving in that direction. It's just so sad that so many entities lost sight of the fact that we were talking about a little boy trying to come to his family, rather than the importance of a t crossed or an i dotted. I still can't believe that I was fighting with someone up to the point that Chris was at the embassy with Skye!

For those who have not heard the story, I'll give you the abbreviated version. Chris arrived at the embassy god awful early on July 27, with Skye in tow to go through all the necessary interviews to get our USCIS packet and Skye's visa. He's in a small room, about the size of a closet, that smells like poop b/c Skye had a major blow out right before entering the room and there was poop on his sweatshirt, and Chris swears coming out of his pores! Let me tell you, the smell of his poop is something you don't want to get too close to, sometimes after washing my hands with soap I can still smell it on my hands. Needless to say not fun! Anyway, the DHS person (that would be department of homeland security, oh thank you w.) is going through a litany of questions. She gets to the one stating our home address and she say, "do you still live at 1204 NE Lenore St?"
Chris calmly says "no we've moved"
She looks up startled and says, "well you didn't get a new homestudy done for this address, so your I-171H (basically the gov't paper that says we are fit parents and live in a good home, and make enough money to support a kid) is not valid."
Chris is bewildered and assures her that his wife is very aware of paperwork and knows I redid a homestudy after we moved, and sent it to Yakima (heretofor called the idiots!).
She assures him he's wrong.
He somehow gets her to agree to try calling me.
Make note at this stage, it's 7:45am here in Portland and I'm running around the house with Forrest, a bundle of nerves waiting to here that the interview is over and we'll get our visa the next day.
She tries calling, tells him she has a strange connection, hangs up and tries calling again. My cell rings with an unidentifiable number. Normally I never answer these, but with Chris being in GT and all the strangeness to this point I answer, warily.
The woman on the phone says "is this Shannon Baker?"
To which I almost hang up, damn telemarketers. I instead correct her with my name.
She proceeds to tell me who she is and there is a problem with our I-171H, and I throw up a little in my mouth. I'm thinking here we are all the way in guatemala and we still can't bring him home?
I assure her that YES I got a new homestudy, YES I told the idiots that we had moved, and YES I actually had the new homestudy on my computer (thank god).
She accepts the homestudy over email and tells me the idiots need to do some research before they can issue the visa. I wait and wait and wait, meanwhile Chris is in the US Embassy in Guatemala with a poopy smelling little boy, who doesn't know him, has no limits and has just beaned some poor guatemalan woman in the face with a plastic car.
About 2 hours later I get an email that the Field Directior, king Idiot, has kindly emailed a new I-171H to the embassy and we have our visa.

Needless to say this has not been a smooth process. So I am grateful that after all this time Skye is finally acclimating to our home and family. He still prefers Chris and that's okay. Today we took our first foray into him hanging out in his crib solo while I put Forrest down for a nap. It was a grand failure, but we have a plan. Problem is, Skye is not used to being alone nor is he used to having to wait for ANYTHING. Tomorrow we will try again, but I will shut his door, make sure the fan and white noise machine are in Forrest's room to drown out the yells and hope Forrest falls asleep before Skye gets too crazy. It's all I can do to prep for when I'm home alone with the boys. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to put Skye down for a nap when Forrest is still wide awake. I'd put them down at the same time, but Skye sleeps for 3 hours and I'm not interested in him sleeping from 2-5, and I can't leave a 10 month old alone for the 30 minutes it takes to put Skye down. Anyone with a suggestion, please share!

Okay time to go wake my sleeping angel, he's been down 3 hours that's a long enough nap.

each day a new gift

Today was the best day yet. Hopefully each day I'll write that until each day we are working as one family. Skye starts the day out slowly, still trying to remember who I am, but eventually gets there. He has decided that Forrest is his "mamo", because he can't quite say hermano. It's totally cute. Today we asked him at lunch what his hermano says, and he scrunched up his face and screeched in an almost perfect mimic of Forrest. Chris and I just cracked up. Forrest is very serious right now when Skye is around. He's not quite sure who he is and why he is always here and taking away my attention. I think when Skye freaks out is scares him a bit, so he's a bit wary. But Skye is trying. We explained comparatir today to him, and showed him how to share. He now bring toys to Forrest and doesn't always screech when Forrest takes one of his away. It's amazing what just a few days has done for this little boy.

I think a part of my heart is very protected right now about his past. If I think too much about what he's been through it just hurts. Today when I was giving him a bottle before he took his nap he snuggled into me, like a little baby, looked up at me with those big brown eyes and said mama. It was the sweetest thing ever. He still struggles when he sees Chris and I showing affection to each other. He's moved through the "I hate Forrest" stage, we hope, but he really struggles with us. Hopefully he'll figure it out soon. But we keep moving forward.

Forrest and I had a great walk this morning with Riley. He's so funny. He just sung and jabbered the whole time. He's such an early morning bird, I feel so lucky when we are out and about to have such a sweet little boy. He is not super stoked on the addition to our family, but he's such a resilient little dude that I don't worry much about him. I knew I woudl struggle with Forrest feeling left out or "ignored" but I also know that we have raised such a strong, sweet, easy going little guy that in a short while it will be as though Skye is always here.

Bugs have been poisoned. Laundry has been done, ad nauseum. And we move on.

Adoption - the gift that keeps on giving...

Today was a much better day for everyone, although we did realize that we brought some extra visitors home from Guatemala. I slept upstairs with the "boys" last night and Skye was unbearable to sleep with. He was so agitated from about 1:00 - 5:00, tossing and turning, sitting up and then I realized itching his back incessantly. Oh joy, we've got SCABIES! Ewwww! Yes we've dealt with them before, but it still grosses me out. So after a joyful exploration of the providence health system on a Sunday morning, we finally got the doctor to prescribe the medicine we all need without having to drag poor Skye into the urgent care on a Sunday morning. So tonight we all get to get greasy with the lovely insecticide. Tomorrow laundry, cleaning and getting rid of the rest of the damn bugs. Luckily we know the drill so we just do it. Hopefully Forrest doesn't have them because we are not going to treat him. I have faith he's fine.

Forrest has been doing the funniest thing. He likes to take the cookie out of a wood puzzle that we have and give it to Riley. It's beyond funny. He idolizes his brother, but is also wary of him. Skye's 2 year old fits scare him. We had a moment today when Forrest took Skye's ball, and Skye just melted down, Forrest took one look at him and started to cry as well. Chris and I looked at each other in wonder and chuckled trying to figure out who to grab. At least we thought it was funny.

I know we have many rough days ahead of us, but I'll take a day like today any day. Skye was so funny and sweet, even sharing toys with Forrest. He still refuses to eat anything but fruit and bread, but hey I could live off of that as well. I need more of my mom's gazpacho, he loved that. As long as I can remember that he's only 2 and trying to figure it all out, we'll be fine. I will say though that my brain is tired from speaking Spanish all day to Skye and then switching to English with bug. We are starting to add more English into the daily language with Skye. After the "pool party" with Forrest (in our backyard, photos tomorrow I swear!), he and I walked back inside and he pointed at a ton of things and asked their names, it was hysterical to hear him try and say umbrella. But he's trying and that's all we can ask for.

We all went to the playground this morning and had some fun. Everyone was starting to get cranky, as we've pretty much all been in this house since the airport on Wednesday. Amazing what getting outside and changing the energy can do. Until tomorrow, I hope all my friends and family are doing well. We love you all and your support means more than I will ever be able to express in words. Knowing that there are others in our lives who have taken this journey, with even older kids as well!, and share their advice, stories and support is the touchstone that gets me through really hard times.

day by day or is it night by night?

still taking it each day, each moment, each glimmer of that sweet 2 year old boy that is in that angry little body. he took a very very long nap this afternoon and it was like a reset button. he was smiley and sweet, funny and interactive. i think I needed to see this boy more than he needed to be that boy, it reminded me that there is hope. I have to remember it's 2 steps forward and sometimes 1 step back. the more time we are with him the better it will be.

Chris and I watched a dvd that his last foster mom put together for him of photos of his foster home and spanish music, and things made a bit more sense. there's a part of my that is grateful to this family for taking in my little boy and loving him until he could go to his forever home, and there is a part of me that is angry with them. angry that they didn't tell him he wasn't going to be there forever, angry that he didn't arrive to Chris with the photo album we sent down, with pages marked (clearly) for his future, angry that they weren't truthful about many things when he was dropped off. I think the thing that made me the most sad was the photo of him holding a teddy bear, but it not coming to the US with him. Having some sort of transitional object would have been so much better than just dropping him off with the clothes on his back and a bottle that Chris threw away it was so dirty. Yes I understand there is a reason that he is no longer in GT, but I also wish that our coordinator would have been more present in ensuring his emotional needs were being met as well. Or that my agency here in Portland would have had better contact with GT and gotten the truth, not just what Cindy chose to tell her. 7 homes in 2 years is not okay. I guess my place with Skye right now is angry and moving forward.

Some very sweet things he did tonight was let me give him the bottle at bed time and then would put his arms around me and put his forehead against mine. Watching him race around the house like a maniac and giggle every time one of us chased him. Playing ball with him and watching him do goofy things like try and throw it to me with his eyes closed.

Forrest continues to just be a shining light. yes Skye has his light as well, but it's a bit harder to see right now. Forrest is adjusting as well. 7 days ago it was just him and mama, and now it's him and this kid who sometimes is nice to him and sometimes screams in his face. I can see the confusion going on, and can only hope that he continues to roll with the punches. He was more sensitive today to Skye's energy, it was a reminder to me to project calm and clear within the house, so Forrest doesn't get connected into my own head spins. He takes such delight in the simple things like clapping his hands, smashing 2 blocks together, getting his tummy tickled. It's a crack up. He is also growing up so quickly. He is less and less a baby every day, and more and more a little boy. I can see his brain putting things together and it's truly amazing.

sometimes I wonder if I'm going to share this blog with either of the boys, or use it for myself to look back on the process we all went though to make our family. who knows. what I do know is it's late and I'm tired.

I will try and figure out how to get some photos of both boys up in the next day or so, it's just that we're living in the hurricane and sometimes the small stuff get's lost.

Day by day & Giving thanks...

Still don't have any photos, give me time folks.

Before I write anything about the boys, I need to gratefully thank everyone in my family and community. I get emails daily offering help, encouragement, food, grocery shopping, child care, a shoulder to lean on, and so much more. It is going to take a village to raise this boy and I have the best one out there. Keep offering, you know when the time is right I'll ask for it and I won't wait until the very last minute to do so.

Forrest is the sweetest little guy, he just rolls with the punches and takes it all in stride. Yesterday during a major melt down and subsequent hold, Forrest just blythly crawled in and out of the dog crate and open pot rack all the while singing to himself. I struggle with ensuring that he is getting enough love and attention, since his brother seems to command so much of it. We luckily have about 2 hours in the morning that it's just us, so we can spend some quality mommy/forrest time. I miss my little guy and have fear that Skye may hurt him. All I can do is keep loving on him and know that everyone around me will fill in the places that I just can't fill. Yes it sucks, but he is a strong sweet little boy and will roll with everything. No I don't feel guilty I feel the loss of not being able to be everything to Forrest. I grew that little guy from day one, and although that doesn't make him "more" of my child, as Kay says right now he's easier to love because he's been with me since day 1.

It's funny I find myself crying because I am grieving the loss of the little baby Skye that I thought I was adopting. The last photos of him he still had the round baby baby face and innocence of a child. He just doens't seem so innocent now. He so wants to do the right thing and is just so so so so angry and confused. Can you blame him? This morning was a struggle in patience, we are teaching him signs to ask for what he'd like, instead of whining and pointing. He knows what we are asking but chose to tantrum instead. Then I mistakenly cleaned his ears (what a BAD mom!) which sent him off on a wild tantrum that ended up with a full scale screaming dissositive meltdown so I just held him and let him know he was safe and loved. He ended up wrapped in a blanket, head on my chest, being rocked like a baby. In that moment I could see just how angry and scared this little being is. I feel so grateful that I've had the training I have, the experience of earlier hurt children, and the expertise of those around me to be able to meet this guy where he's at.

I wonder if we've done the right thing. Are we strong enough, am I strong enough, to have enough love, courage, consistency, patience and everything else that this little boy deserves and still have enough to care for my other little dude? I know other people have done it, and have such faith we can do it, and I'm still scared. I also know that by being honest about this, and sharing it so others know what I'm feeling, it will only help me move through this.

I am blessed to be a mom to 2 amazing sweet little boys who each have their strenghts. and a husband who is so present and willing to listen, learn and love everyone.

He's here - WOW!

I am going to try and keep this thing up, but there are no guarantees. Rolling with 2 boys under the age of 3 is going to keep me pretty dang busy. I'm also not going to add pictures since I don't exactly know where they all are right now.

Today is better than yesterday, by a long shot. Yesterday all Skye did was freak out if Chris left his sight, showed either me or Forrest affection, had a limit set (like don't throw food or hit the dog), or I got too close to him. It was rough. There's that internal struggle between what my brain is saying and what my heart is saying. Yes I know it was his first day home and he'd been with Chris for 4 days prior, but as a mom there is something visceral to being rejected by your son. I shed quite a few tears, knowing it was ridiculous but still needing to release all that stress and fear.

Today is another day and little little guy seems to make so many leaps forward. Today I was allowed to hold him, kiss him, cradle him with a bottle (HUGE!!!!) and let him fall asleep in my arms for his nap. I also got to "restrain" him in the basement after he beaned me in the head with a ball, after being told to not throw balls at our faces (in Spanish). It sucked big time, but the pay off was huge. He freaked out, then relaxed, then followed me around. Day by day.

Forrest is stoked to have a new brother. He follows Skye around like a little puppy dog and mimics everything he does. Skye tries with him and does some really amazing things - like brings him "baby" toys - and he also tantrums like a 2 year old when the baby tries to take things from him. Something's telling me this is going to be the story of our lives!

It's a trip to suddenly be the mom of 2, when 10 months ago I was the mom to no one. I just have to remind myself baby steps for all of us. He will grow to love this family and we are not going to throw him out like trash, like has happened to him so many times.

Okay Skye's asleep and I get 1:1 time with F-dude. Off I go to be mama again....