Still don't have any photos, give me time folks.
Before I write anything about the boys, I need to gratefully thank everyone in my family and community. I get emails daily offering help, encouragement, food, grocery shopping, child care, a shoulder to lean on, and so much more. It is going to take a village to raise this boy and I have the best one out there. Keep offering, you know when the time is right I'll ask for it and I won't wait until the very last minute to do so.
Forrest is the sweetest little guy, he just rolls with the punches and takes it all in stride. Yesterday during a major melt down and subsequent hold, Forrest just blythly crawled in and out of the dog crate and open pot rack all the while singing to himself. I struggle with ensuring that he is getting enough love and attention, since his brother seems to command so much of it. We luckily have about 2 hours in the morning that it's just us, so we can spend some quality mommy/forrest time. I miss my little guy and have fear that Skye may hurt him. All I can do is keep loving on him and know that everyone around me will fill in the places that I just can't fill. Yes it sucks, but he is a strong sweet little boy and will roll with everything. No I don't feel guilty I feel the loss of not being able to be everything to Forrest. I grew that little guy from day one, and although that doesn't make him "more" of my child, as Kay says right now he's easier to love because he's been with me since day 1.
It's funny I find myself crying because I am grieving the loss of the little baby Skye that I thought I was adopting. The last photos of him he still had the round baby baby face and innocence of a child. He just doens't seem so innocent now. He so wants to do the right thing and is just so so so so angry and confused. Can you blame him? This morning was a struggle in patience, we are teaching him signs to ask for what he'd like, instead of whining and pointing. He knows what we are asking but chose to tantrum instead. Then I mistakenly cleaned his ears (what a BAD mom!) which sent him off on a wild tantrum that ended up with a full scale screaming dissositive meltdown so I just held him and let him know he was safe and loved. He ended up wrapped in a blanket, head on my chest, being rocked like a baby. In that moment I could see just how angry and scared this little being is. I feel so grateful that I've had the training I have, the experience of earlier hurt children, and the expertise of those around me to be able to meet this guy where he's at.
I wonder if we've done the right thing. Are we strong enough, am I strong enough, to have enough love, courage, consistency, patience and everything else that this little boy deserves and still have enough to care for my other little dude? I know other people have done it, and have such faith we can do it, and I'm still scared. I also know that by being honest about this, and sharing it so others know what I'm feeling, it will only help me move through this.
I am blessed to be a mom to 2 amazing sweet little boys who each have their strenghts. and a husband who is so present and willing to listen, learn and love everyone.
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