Today was the final of the world cup in South Africa, seeing Spain defeat our beloved Netherlands 1 - 0. It was a sad end to such a triumphant cup for the boys in orange, and we had fun regardless. Forrest slept through most of the game, Skye was the showman that he always is. After the game he spent close to an hour just playing with my teacher Mas Goeroe Janesa, and wowing her with the amazing physicality that he possesses. Forrest of course kind of ran around in circles.
Today, well today was the end of a few days actually, of thinking about what exactly is family. How do you define those that you call family? What are the binds that create them, what are the things that break those binds? What does family mean in your life? In my life? In the world as a whole? As many of you know I have been estranged from my father since I was basically 10 years old. We reconnected when I was in my 20's, but soon drifted apart again. I have not heard from him in close to 15 years, and then out of the blue I get a friend request from my dad (you gotta love technology!). What I found most powerful was that instead of it spinning me out into a panic state (like it did for many years between 16 - 26), it gave me pause for thought. To respect my father I will keep most of those thoughts out of this blog - no they aren't all negative, but I feel many of these questions need to be asked of him directly before I spill them out to the cyber universe. What I will say is the thoughts mainly led to "how will reconnecting with him, and my extended family, impact my sons?" No real thought for me and what impact it would have on me, but how will my sons feel about this? How will they feel if their grandfather comes into their lives and then suddenly disappears again? Is this important for them? I did accept the friend request, and have subsequently sent out a request to my step-sister, and basically have put it out to the universe. At this stage it is in his hands, my dad's not God's, how this proceeds forward.
But back to family. Today I was surrounded by those that I view as my family, even though not a one of us shares any DNA. My teammates were here, people who have seen me at the absolute best and horrifying worst and still love me the same. My mama friend and her family, who is becoming a better friend every day and is someone I'm excited for my boys to grow up knowing. And of course my teacher Janesa. There are no words to describe what this woman is to me - mother, sister, friend, teacher, confidant, torturer. What I can say is when she is around I am home. She has been in my corner since I was in my early 20's, has pushed me through some of the hardest things I have EVER faced in my life, and is just a phone call away if I am ever in need. She is my family, the root of who I am. And that root extends out to all my tulen family. I don't write/talk much anymore about my training, not because I'm not actively practicing right now, but because there is no way to describe what this community means to me. I have other connections and friends, but this is my core.
Lately I have been feeling called back to Tulen to train, and the call has been welcome. It's not that I've ever "quit" training, but it's been a challenge finding the time with all the change in my life. And honestly it's been hard to figure out who I was in connection to my training. Those answers are coming, and instead of pushing I am just letting them float to me through joy.
Life is a trip. Anything can happen to change what you think you know. Anything can happen that can change who you think you are. What I do know today, in this moment, in this space, is that I am surrounded by joy and family. As I listen to the quiet of my house as my sons are sleeping and my husband (truly the center of my joy and my rock through all things in my life!) watches some geeky thing on tv, the only thoughts that come to me is that I am blessed. There are so many things in the world that are wrong, but right here right now all is right.
1 comment:
Great Post!
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