updates, thoughts, etc

It has been so long since I last posted. Not because there isn't anything to share - I'm a mom to 2 toddlers there is something to share EVERY day - but because I've been so busy and more than that I've been processing so much from the past 2 years.

I was out to lunch with a great friend yesterday and was talking about the last year or so and what it's meant to be a mom, but not only being a mom but a mom to 2 children who have come to me in such different ways. I realized, as we were talking, that I haven't shared with many the grief and anger that I've been going through since Skye has come home. Nor have I shared some poignant things that happened in the first few days of his homecoming that set the stage for the dance we've been doing ever since.

As I was putting dishes away just now I was thinking about my first trip to Guatemala and the immense emotions that went with that trip. I held Skye, who was just a little baby, for the first time and also had to give him back for the first time. No one but an adoptive parent who went through this process will ever truly understand the heartache and grief that follows when you hand your child to someone and watch him drive away. The only thing that I am so grateful for is he really had NO idea who we were, so being driven away was so much worse for us than him. There is a grief that encompasses you that can really only be lifted as your child sleeps in your own home for the first time.

But this is where our story gets muddy. Skye's first night in our home was perhaps the hardest and most painful moment of my time as a mother. He was sleeping with Chris in our bed and as I came to bed to sleep with my son he rolled over on his back, put both feet on my and pushed me out of my own bed. We were so new at all of this that I just left and slept in another room for the next 3 nights. The following days any time Chris showed me any affection Skye would throw himself on the floor and wail. Yes it is heartbreaking. Yes the manifestation of his trauma was the saddest thing I have ever witnessed. But what very few people have ever gotten, or expressed that they get, is that the person he was rejecting was his mother. You can go through every book, every reason, everything everything everything, but as his mother I cannot express to you how heartbreaking it is to be rejected by your own child. Again we can go through the psyche of all of this, but the reality is YOU are not living in my skin and feeling the sadness that can envelope you. The frustration that you can never do anything right, and the grief that your own child despises you. May I remind you that I am a counselor and I understand the reasonings behind all of this, but the heart hurt is the piece that is not logical.

So why am I writing all of this today? Because I feel like for the first time in a very long time I understand my own part in this dance, and I understand how I did not share the grief that I was feeling. I'm most likely going to be writing parts of my thoughts over the next few days for 2 reasons:

1. To download them out of my brain

2. To allow someone else who may be facing the daunting task of raising an attachment disordered child to see that there is hope, and that you are NOT alone.

I have made more mistakes in the past 15 months than I can ever express. And I forgive myself for those mistakes. I did not go into each transgression with low intentions or the thought that my behavior was going to "damage" my son. I was a mom who was so confused, stuck, angry that I didn't know what to do. And I will say that I went through months of counseling to help me, but it's like putting a bandaid over a gaping wound, it held it shut but it didn't heal. The healing takes time. But more than time, the healing takes telling, which is what I am doing here.

Today I realized, well in the past week or so, that I don't hate my son anymore. You can say what a terrible thing to say. What an awful mom I must be, he's such a hurt small little boy who didn't choose this. And I will agree to all of it. But what no one really says, is "you poor mom. this must be so hard on you. how heartbreaking to have your son reject you. how scary that must feel." Again I realize that focus always goes on the child, but without the mom the child is lost. No one has ever been able to flip my switch as quickly as Skye can. No one has ever made me question everything there is about me as well as Skye can. What I will say is that I have persevered through this madness and am coming out the other side. For the first time in months I feel more like myself than I have in so long. I can't say I'm grateful for what Skye has put me through, I'm not there yet. What I can say is that I'm grateful that I'm finding the capacity to love him, despite all the crap we are going through. That I'm grateful that a few of my close friends have understood that what I needed to hear wasn't "poor Skye" but "how are you doing?" "What can I do to support you?"

This process is far from over, and I do what my counselor suggested to keep me on the even keel - I don't wake up every morning hoping for a good day, I wake every morning expecting a tornado and give my thanks that night when we have calm seas.

And away we go!

A lot is getting ready to change in the next 24 hours around here, and I'm both excited and totally stressed to see how it plays out. I have been recalled back to work, and am so excited to be going back to the work that I see as a part of who I am. At the same time there is that mama guilt of what the impact will have on leaving my sons a few days a week. Honestly I know this is the best thing for all of us. I am NOT a good stay at home mother and wife. Sure I can do it, and do it well, but I'm not full of joy. My teacher told me I am the most social person she knows and she is amazed that I have been able to be home for close to 2 years without a daily connection to adults. Now we are going to see how meshing the 2 parts of my life will play out.

Work is already interesting. I have been called back to a middle school, which I am not exactly going to jump up and down about. The real gift for this school is the counselor has been there for over 25 years and has been able to envision a real school counseling program, I know I will learn so much from her. The challenge right now is my hours. My initial contract with the district was for .6 fte, basically working 3 days a week. As a returning mom to the work force, this was a perfect schedule. Enough time away from the boys and at work to feel like I'm doing some good work, but enough time at home that I don't feel like someone else is raising my sons. I got a call a few weeks ago letting me know that due to budget cuts I was losing a day and would only be working .4 fte, 2 days a week. I'm not sure how this is really going to work for our counseling program. I have a call into my union, basically asking the question "how will cutting me a day and putting another counselor in 1 day a week going to keep the continuity of our program?" If a teacher was losing .2 of her fte, would she be able to bump a middle school teacher 1 day a week? Doubtful. Once again I am so lucky to have a strong union and a contract that may be able to protect me.

I just got back from a trip to southern oregon with the boys. Chris unfortunately had to cancel his part of the trip due to work issues. It was a hard trip, even though I was with my mom and sister I'm still primary caregiver to the boys and not really able to every just shut down - until they were asleep. Even though it was a lot of work, there was something very magical about having my sons at my family's cabin. My great-grandmother built the cabin in 1938, so the boys are the 5th generation to spend time in that cabin and throw rocks in the lake. Unfortunately I forgot my camera, so I'll have to get photos from my mom to share the joy.

Okay Skye is sitting on the floor screaming b/c he's lost the option of going down to the basement with Daddy & Forrest, so I should go hang out with him. I'll try to keep this up a bit better than once a month, but now that I'm a working mom, that may be more than I could do.

No harm meant

I just want to clarify some things that were written in my blog a few days ago, because my words hurt some people - without meaning to. When I was talking about family, there was no intention to disregard or ignore my blood family - or more specifically my mom, sister & brother. To me, my connection with them doesn't need explanation, all you have to do is see us together to know we are a family. In my eyes this is the "easy" family to identify, because this is who so many see as real family. By talking about other types of family, I was simply sharing other parts of my life and my self.

I have been connected to my Tulen family for over 20 years and they are as much a part of my family as those who share my DNA. As the mother of an adopted son, I feel it's so important for him to see and understand that it's not just DNA that connects a person to his family, it's shared experiences and feelings of love. The sharing of joy, sorrow, fun, laughter, jokes, meals, training, and so much more. To me, this "other" family that I have is as connected to me as my blood family. It would be disregarding them if I didn't talk about them. And it many ways it would be devaluing my 3 year old as not "mine" if I saw family as only those who are connected to me by blood.

I hope those who felt disregarded understand that there was no low intention by my previous post, and if there are please accept my heartfelt apologies. Sometimes when I blog, actually always when I blog, it's whatever is forefront in my brain at that exact moment and usually I write it and then post it, without looking at it later.

sick boys, missed parties, and trips to seattle

This is all happening within the next 24 hours. I slept in today (if someone told me before I had kids that sleeping in would be until 8:30 I would have laughed!) and woke up to Chris telling me that Forrest had puked all over him this morning. He said at first he panicked because the vomit was red, and then realized that it was because he'd eaten raspberries last night!

Our friend Marshall was having a 2 year old birthday party today and we had to cancel because we didn't want any of the kids to get this illness. Even though Skye is so far symptom free, he could blow at any minute. I am so bummed missing this party. We see Marshall (and his mama Tabitha) at lease once a week and we were so looking forward to going. We'll just have to see them later this week!

We are supposed to take the train to Seattle tomorrow to go see a baseball game (thanks Bro for the tickets!) but now everything is on hold. My dear sweet husband very rarely has a strong opinion about things, but he said to me that if either of the boys are remotely sick there is NO way he is getting on a train with him. Cross your fingers that we can make it - if not that hotel room is gonna cost us big time! At least I have friends in Seattle who we can gift the tickets to and offer them a night in a hotel. Someone might as well use it! We'll see. If we do make it, I'll be sure and post photos of us hootin' it up in Seattle. If we don't then I'll post photos of the sick little boys. Hopefully this is something short and quickly moved through. Damn kids, why can't they tell you how they are feeling? ha ha ha.

Life is weird. That is all I really have to say right now.

I know I promised months ago!

These are loading in a weird manner, but here are some recent photos of my life:

Forrest has taken to wearing my shoes an clomping around the house.

This handsome dork is my little brother, out for a visit from Chicago

(unfortunately no photos of his lovely girlfriend Jen.)

My older sister Kristen and her partner Kenny.

Skye hanging out on the pool during the hot few days.

Skye after too much italian ice at a concert at Mt. Tabor (and before I shaved his head!)

Forrest showing off his blue eyes.

Stacking his best friends on the stairs.

Skye giving me the "what are you looking at Lady?" look.

Enjoy!

Months go by and everything changes!

I could write for days about the past 4 months. Tell stories, share triumphs, extoll tragedies, and so much more. But if I were to do that I would be on here for hours and you don't really want to read all of that, now do you?

Today was the final of the world cup in South Africa, seeing Spain defeat our beloved Netherlands 1 - 0. It was a sad end to such a triumphant cup for the boys in orange, and we had fun regardless. Forrest slept through most of the game, Skye was the showman that he always is. After the game he spent close to an hour just playing with my teacher Mas Goeroe Janesa, and wowing her with the amazing physicality that he possesses. Forrest of course kind of ran around in circles.

Today, well today was the end of a few days actually, of thinking about what exactly is family. How do you define those that you call family? What are the binds that create them, what are the things that break those binds? What does family mean in your life? In my life? In the world as a whole? As many of you know I have been estranged from my father since I was basically 10 years old. We reconnected when I was in my 20's, but soon drifted apart again. I have not heard from him in close to 15 years, and then out of the blue I get a friend request from my dad (you gotta love technology!). What I found most powerful was that instead of it spinning me out into a panic state (like it did for many years between 16 - 26), it gave me pause for thought. To respect my father I will keep most of those thoughts out of this blog - no they aren't all negative, but I feel many of these questions need to be asked of him directly before I spill them out to the cyber universe. What I will say is the thoughts mainly led to "how will reconnecting with him, and my extended family, impact my sons?" No real thought for me and what impact it would have on me, but how will my sons feel about this? How will they feel if their grandfather comes into their lives and then suddenly disappears again? Is this important for them? I did accept the friend request, and have subsequently sent out a request to my step-sister, and basically have put it out to the universe. At this stage it is in his hands, my dad's not God's, how this proceeds forward.

But back to family. Today I was surrounded by those that I view as my family, even though not a one of us shares any DNA. My teammates were here, people who have seen me at the absolute best and horrifying worst and still love me the same. My mama friend and her family, who is becoming a better friend every day and is someone I'm excited for my boys to grow up knowing. And of course my teacher Janesa. There are no words to describe what this woman is to me - mother, sister, friend, teacher, confidant, torturer. What I can say is when she is around I am home. She has been in my corner since I was in my early 20's, has pushed me through some of the hardest things I have EVER faced in my life, and is just a phone call away if I am ever in need. She is my family, the root of who I am. And that root extends out to all my tulen family. I don't write/talk much anymore about my training, not because I'm not actively practicing right now, but because there is no way to describe what this community means to me. I have other connections and friends, but this is my core.

Lately I have been feeling called back to Tulen to train, and the call has been welcome. It's not that I've ever "quit" training, but it's been a challenge finding the time with all the change in my life. And honestly it's been hard to figure out who I was in connection to my training. Those answers are coming, and instead of pushing I am just letting them float to me through joy.

Life is a trip. Anything can happen to change what you think you know. Anything can happen that can change who you think you are. What I do know today, in this moment, in this space, is that I am surrounded by joy and family. As I listen to the quiet of my house as my sons are sleeping and my husband (truly the center of my joy and my rock through all things in my life!) watches some geeky thing on tv, the only thoughts that come to me is that I am blessed. There are so many things in the world that are wrong, but right here right now all is right.

I know I know I promised photos

My camera is somewhere in the chaos called our house. When I find it I'll try for the coast photos. They are priceless, especially the nudie Skye after his unplanned dip in the ocean and mama forgot all the extra clothes.

We have had some good days and bad days around here. My amazing counselor - who does pretty much counseling for adoptees and their parents exclusively - reframed some of the struggles I was having when we have bad days. Reminding me that even though we have good days, it is going to be a roller coaster and to prepare for the bad and rejoice in the good. Since I've started that things seem much smoother. When a bad day comes, I'm already prepped and ready to roll with it. When a good day comes, I am grateful for another good day. Funny how it's all in the perspective.

Forrest continues to grow and blossom into such a neat little boy. Today we had a HARD afternoon with Skye. Post nap he just wasn't able to pull it together, which happens sometimes, and I ended up doing a very long hold on him. It's the first time in a while that I've had to hold Skye when Forrest is around, and no one else is here. Forrest really tried to hold himself together. Finding Akbar, coming to sit at my feet and make eye contact with me so I could reassure him that Skye was just having a bad day. Finally he fell apart, crawled up on the couch, leaned into my side, hugged the monkey and just cried into my ribs. Total suck. It's hard enough when one boy is crying, and three times as hard when they are both crying. Thank god I was clear and calm enough to just tell them both I loved them, they were safe, it was okay to be sad, and mama was there to take care of them. Of course Forrest bounced back faster than his brother. He even got his sippy cup and shared it with Skye.

But here is the amazing part. After dinner, when Skye was still eating and F-dude was done, Forrest tooled around the house finding toys for Skye and giving them to him at the table. He started with Skye's monkey and then proceeded to find every toy in the house that he thought Skye would like. This is something that Skye has done in the past when Forrest was upset. The fact that he understood what a hard time Skye had had, and that he was able to try and make him feel better 90 minutes later just blows my mind. There is a sweetness to that one that I hope we can retain for the duration of his life. Chris and I both burst into tears during this episode and had to reassure Skye that we were okay.

Wow my life is a continual roller coaster. Most times I am grateful for the gifts that I have been given, but some days I just want to go back to having 1 child - which seems so funny that I thought 1 was so hard just a few short months ago! As far as we know Skye is staying, our counselor has talked with us about disruption, simply to let us know we don't HAVE to do this. Do we want to disrupt? Of course not. And there are many factors that go into that decision. I'm not really going to go into the details here, and will say at this stage our intention is to keep Skye in our home and family.

Each day is still a day by day process. Each day has it's gifts and challenges. The biggest blessing I have is a husband and partner who supports me through all of this and gives me the strength to face another day of questions and doubt with my head up and my eyes open.

first real vacation

We just got back from 5 glorious days at the Oregon coast for Chris' birthday. I had originally planned on surprising him with the trip - I even worked out the time off with his boss - but then Chris got sick and I was worried about him not being able to go, so I spilled the beans. DAMN! You all know how much I suck at surprises, and almost pulled this one off.

We had amazing weather for the first few days. Seriously it was amazing. In the 60's, sunny, no wind. We were on the beach in t-shirts and no shoes, and not wishing for our booties, jackets, hats, etc. The boys had a great time running around, yelling, throwing rocks, eating sand, feeding the caca-birds (seagulls), watching Riley poop (Skye was very interested in this!), and just having some quiet fun family time. Grandma Foxley, my mom, came for a few days and that was so great for the boys. They love her and love spending time with her - and I appreciate the extra hands.

Chris got to do a 14 mile hike from Arch Cape to Manzanita, and was a very happy boy. Last big hike before the 40th hit. I look forward to the days that we can do parts of hikes with the boys. Forrest loves being outside - he has since he was just days old. He wakes up, looks outside and says "side, side, side" or "walk, walk, walk". More than once we caught him trying to sneak out the door and outside when we weren't looking. Skye will tell anyone who asks that the water at the coast is "brrrr, cold", he had the unfortunate experience of falling face first into the tide our first moments on the beach. We were running from the waves and I told him to run, and he turned and ran straight out into the water! Needless to say he took a digger in the soft sand and went down like a log. I cracked up, but he was not amused. It did keep him out of the water the rest of the week.

Forrest really is his father's son. There were times on the beach that he just wandered around singing to himself in his own little world. More than once we'd see him lie down in the sand, put his face right up to it and just look at it. He wasn't doing it for anyone to look at, just taking it all in. I had to keep a close eye on that one, I'd look away for a moment and find him 30 ft away either walking or running towards something that only he could see. Or he'd be off trying to catch the crows on the beach, and didn't understand that he wasn't going to actually get them. It was so sweet it brought tears to my eyes. There is an internal sweetness to this little boy that makes me feel so grateful to be his mom. He can be a holy terror and make me want to poke his eyes out for sure, but there are other moments that the sweet babyness comes out and I just pick him up and kiss him as many times as he can handle it. I figure I better get those kisses in before he thinks he's too big to be kissed by his mama.

Skye did really well with the transition from our house to a new house. As long as we tell him we are all going together, and he is coming home with us, there's not an issue. My favorite surf shop owner gave him a woody replica - that would be a surf truck by ford! - and he not only held that thing all the way home from the beach, but slept with it as well.

Now Forrest is sick, running a temp and we are taking it slow today. It's hard to see your little one feel so punk. He was really warm last night, but I figured it was b/c the heater was up to high - it was really warm in his room for a while - but he was still really hot when he woke up today. Now he's sleeping and I hope we'll burn through whatever is plaguing his little body soon - he is not a fun sicko!

seriously?

Is it really february? How did that happen? Can't quite believe it. There is so much to write that there is NO way I can update everyone.

We survived the holidays. The boys did amazing at every turn. The week after New Years they were a mess, but we got through it.

Skye has been home over 6 months - that is a huge surprise to me! It's flown by, as well as completely dragged on and on at times. It's amazing how much this little boy has grown from the day he arrived to today. He is so much more confident, happy, secure, full of joy. He knows he's home, or at least is really starting to believe it. He's funny, sweet, a total ham when people come over. Is starting to realize value in words and is putting them together.

Forrest is a crack up. I know I say that almost every post, but that's how I feel. He's so funny and full of light. Everything is new, and fun! He's got this little face that he's started doing that I need to get a photo of. He sort of squishes up his face, just his jaw out, and grimaces. I know you can't get a picture of it, but take my word for it I laugh every time.

Okay, dinner time. I'll post some newer photos soon - I hear tears upstairs...

te quiero

this is spanish for I love you. I always say this to Skye, about a million times a day. Today in the bath he was goofing around for his dad, I looked at him and said "te quiero" he looked back at me and said "te quiero". This is the first time he's told either Chris or I that he loves us. A big day in our home.

On other good news, Forrest has suddenly started boogie dancing again today. It was something he did all the time as a little one in our laps, holding his hand, and suddenly today out of no where the boogie started up again.

my boys are amazing...

Giving Thanks

So sorry it has been so long between posts, but this is a busy season, and I was down with some strain of some sort of flu. It was less than wonderful, but I seem to be on the mend.

What an amazing thanksgiving we had, even if it was a non-Thanksgiving in the eyes of a traditionalist. We were supposed to go to Grandma Foxley's house (my mom) for dinner, but Wednesday I went down for the count with an awful GI flu, that I'm still working through. Regardless though we had such an amazing weekend. Chris was on point as primary parent, which I think was good for both him and the boys, as well as needing to take care of his incapacitated wife. I think everyone had a great time. Skye broke my heart with just what a sweet little boy he is turning out to be. I was laid out on the couch, looking like death warmed over, and Skye was my little helper. He'd bring me stuffed animals, lay a blanket on me, and kept stroking my cheek. It was so sweet. Chris got a photo of Skye snuggled up on the couch with me. It was so sweet.

Forrest continues to grow and develop into such a fun little boy. He has these moments where he'll just run circles through the house screaming out of the pure joy of running. He'll do a pass by, look at me and grin from ear to ear, and continue the lap. Last night me, Forrest & Skye all ran around in circles and cracked up. I can see how these 2 boys are going to be so close.

The other amazing thing we've got going on is Skye is 100% potty trained. Not sure why it was so easy, but it was. He's been dry every morning for close to 10 days. He still wants to wear a diaper at night for the security, but he's totally diaper free the rest of the time - including naps. Speaking of sleep, both my guys have become great sleepers. I can expect to sleep until 6:30 each morning, and both boys are down by 8:00 each night. It's been so nice to know that I'm going to actually get some sleep on a regular basis.

So maybe it wasn't a Thanksgiving weekend that we'd imagined for Skye's first real US holiday, but it was a wonderful weekend for our family of 4. I had a moment earlier this week that struck me as so wonderful. I realized that I couldn't imagine my life without Skye, he really has become my second son. It's pretty amazing. I am grateful for these 2 wonderful sons and such a great husband.

my kids are amazing

It's been a long year, or so, and suddenly I'm looking at these 2 little humans and wondering who actually trusted me enough to grow 2 new people? You know what it doesn't matter because it's great. I realized the other day that I am truly joyful in my life right now. There were moments last spring and early summer that I was filled with joy, and these last few months have been a mixed bag - some days so wonderful and light and some days as dark as they come. The past 2 weeks though something has shifted across the board and everyone is doing better.

Skye is more and more like a little 2 year old demon, rather than a demon in a 2 year old body! He continues to show such empathy towards his brother. Forrest fell off the bottom stair today and Skye wanted to hold him and make him feel better. Of course he's too little to hold him, but I squatted down next to him and he kissed the back of Forrest's head and then rubbed it. It was sweet enough to bring a tear to my eye.

Last night was a hard one for Skye. He was struggling to go to sleep and when I finally came up, around 9:00, he was still up bouncing around. I got him some water and told him to go to sleep. About 45 minutes later he started to cry and grouse, I was annoyed at:
a) him making all that racket when he needed to go to sleep &
b) why wasn't Chris coming upstairs to get him, since I was trying to catch up on some zzzzz's.
So I came out of our room, calmly but not too happy, said "what do you want?" and then took a look at Skye. He was bug eyed, blood around his mouth and all over his hands. My first thought was - "what the hell did you do to yourself". Then I realized that he had a bloody nose, and it was streaming out of his poor little nose. I brought him downstairs, we stripped off the bloody pj's, and sat him down on the couch to deal with the blood. Chris had to restrain him while I pinched his nose - it just wasn't stopping on his own. Poor thing just freaked out. As soon as we were done (about 2 minutes) he turned to me, wrapped his arms around my neck and held on for all he was worth - little legs all scrunched up like a frog. I rocked him and shushed him, and let him know he was okay, and after about 10 minutes he fell asleep in my arms. He woke up when we put him in his new pj's, but then pointed to the stairs and said "mama" (b/c he can't say cama). We put him down, and of course a few hours later he got another bloody nose and so we put him in bed with us. Damn space heater is the blame. Forrest slept blithely though all this - and of course popped up at 5am! Luckily went back down after a few moments and slept until 6:30.

Funny how my life revolves around the sleep, or lack of sleep I get. It's such an integral part of the equation. Chris was commenting last night that he didn't know how I did it. I looked at him and said "do what", seriously I had no idea. And he answered how I was able to do all the things I do during the day, take care of the kids, and never get more than 7 hours of sleep and night (and pre-baby I was a 9 hour a night girl). My response was, do I have a choice? Seriously, it's just what mom's do, and in a nutshell there was one of the answers of the different between a mom & dad. There is NO way I will ever let Chris get as sleep deprived as we were those first few weeks we had Forrest. I love the man, but he becomes a liability when he doesn't sleep. Ask him sometime about forgetting to put Forrest back in a diaper after changing him b/c he was so tired. It's just interesting to me that he wonders how I do it, and my thought was "what else would I do?"

I turn 40 on Friday, and realized that at this stage I have lived less than half my life. It reminded me that there is so much more time, and so many things that I can still do. Right now my job is to raise these two humans into the best people they can be, after that my focus can go back on me (to an extent). But I am content with my life right now, I look forward to returning to work when the time presents itself, but right now what better job does anyone have than growing a few sons? I am truly blessed.

This is the viejita, or old woman. After snuggling on my lap for quite some time, nudie b/c he's decided he's anti clothing right now, he insisted on wearing this blanket like a shawl. The funny thing, was when he came up to me with his hand extended, looking totally pathetic, wanting a hand out. Do we think he's seend immense poverty in his short life? This was one of those times that I am so grateful that I've spent time in Latin America and understand where this is coming from...

After the request for alms for the poor, he took off on the bike. He LOVES this pink satin heart. I picked it up at a children's exchange sale b/c it said Foxy on one side. Now Skye LOVES this thing, as you will see below..

Suddenly the heart becomes a hat...

Needless to say we've made some amazing headway with Skye in the past few weeks. Not sure what happened, but things are very different. He is acting much more like a "normal" 2 year old, and less like a crazy boy.

I'll get some photos of the walker Forrest soon.

love how my boys are starting to be brothers

Today was a big day for me. I started getting sick and was home with the boys. I always wondered how mom's stayed home when they were sick, now I know. Luckily Skye could figure out that I wasn't feeling well at all and really tried to keep it together. Both boys also decided to take monster naps this afternoon, so I got some real down time.

Skye is finally realizing that
a) Forrest is a baby
b) Forrest is his brother.
He'll find Akbar whenever Forrest starts to get upset and bring him to Forrest. He tries to be nice when Forrest is whacking him in the head. I think he realizes that he's not trying to hurt him b/c he sees Bug clocking me in the head as well. Today though was the sweetest. As the boys were getting ready to take their bath Skye leaned over and gave Forrest a kiss. It was so sweet. Later in the bath Forrest leaned over and gave Skye a kiss. They are really getting super sweet.

Forrest is seriously starting to walk. He cruised across the living room today, and is starting to walk before he gives in and crawls. Soon he'll be a cute little toddler dude.

vacation #1

So far so good. We are at our family's cabin (well house really) at Black Butte Ranch. Both boys are asleep and Chris and Grandma are reading. We've been here for almost 3 days and Skye has done great. We've had our moments, but for the most part he's as relaxed here as he is at home. We've gone to the pool every day, which is a hoot. I don't think he's ever been in a pool, and freaks out at first and then splashes around. There is this little innertube that I taught him how to float in, and he's pretty comfortable in the water. Unfortunately Forrest has not been able to show off his swimming skills as he's had a snotty cold and the water is too cold. Cold enough that I have to dive off the end to actually get into the pool with Skye. Luckily I still have some extra insulation from carrying Forrest to keep me warm!

There are some things going on with Skye that continue to concern me. I have a deep seeded fear that he was abused in one of the foster homes. I'm not going to go into great detail, but there have been a few things that make me feel like my suspicions are true. There are some fixations that are not developmentally "normal" in a 2 year old, and some actions (and reactions) that aren't "normal" as well. I'll chat with our social worker about it and move on from there. What I will say is that we can get through this as well, and I'm angry. Angry that it took so long to get this little guy here and find out that someone hurt him. It's not fair and it's not right. We got an email from a previous foster family last week and I got pretty steamed. They delivered this little boy so dirty that it took Chris 3 or 4 washes to get the grease out of his hair, smelly nasty clothes, no toys (not even the ones that we'd sent down 6 weeks prior for his birthday) and no extra clothes. This is not how you treat a little boy. I know my job is to move through my anger, and I work on it daily. But when your son is showing signs of abuse, it retriggers it all over again...sigh

Oh and to add to the insanity of our adoption journey (Jennifer you are going to LOVE this!), I get an email from my agency letting me know that they neglected to make copies of the documents for our dossier before they sent it down to Guatemala, and did we happen to have copies so they can close out our file. I'm sorry, what?! Isn't that one of the main things that your adoption agency is supposed to keep track of? All I can say is thank the Lord nothing was lost or damaged in Guatemala or we would have had a HUGE issue. I have copies, somewhere. It made me laugh, in a sad twisted sort of way. I am so grateful that we are done with this process and can just move forward and love on our son.

Forrest is getting very close to walking. He took a few more steps in the kitchen, and then fell down on his booty. He's so funny because he just doesn't care if he walks or not. He can get from point a to point b crawling just fine. I think though once he starts to walk, it's running in a week. That's just kinda how he does things. It will also give him a fighting chance when Skye does mean things to him. Frankly I worry for Skye when Forrest is really able to defend himself. Forrest is going to be so much larger than his "big" brother. We took him in for his 1 year check up, and he's still in the 93rd percentile in height. Weight and head size are much lower, so he's going to be tall and skinny. The one really nice thing about the doctor's visit was Joe telling us how confident Forrest is. That he's unusually confident for a 1 year old. It made me feel good as a mom, that we are doing the right thing for our son to bring him up in the world. As much as I love and squeeze on him, it's also so important to me to help him learn who he is as a person - all in due time of course. He has become such a calm mellow little guy. Yes he screams with gusto when he's frustrated, but he's just as easily and quickly redirected and back to laughing. Joe (our md) also commented on how different Skye is. That he seems so much calmer and confident as well. It felt good to have someone who sees kids all day long really reinforce all the work we are doing. I feel proud when I look at my 2 boys and see such sweetness in them.

Being a mom is pretty dang cool I have to say. I don't think I'll have more than these 2, but they are enough to fill my life with such joy and love. It's pretty dang amazing.

where's the camera when you need it?

Forrest is asleep for his morning nap and Skye is cracking me up. He's wearing his pj's, socks on his hands (his current fashion statement), and is dancing to the silly music thingy with the big bunny. I tell you, he's a funny little boy! Dinner last night was a crack up. He was being totally goofy and making me laugh and laugh. He's changed so much.

Okay found the camera - dead battery! Oh well...off to watch sesame street!

Forrest is 1

Just a quick update, as things have been a bit funny lately. Forrest turned 1 on Sunday. I can't believe he's an entire year old. Still not walking, but so close. Just needs the confidence to do so. I cut my finger at the end of the day on Sunday. Hoping this isn't the start of a lovely plan to get a scar every year on Forrest's birthdaty - or spend any time in the ER! Can't belive I beat both my sons into the er. Luckily I was only there for 40 minutes, and got 3 stitches. Heres a little photo of me as I returned from the hospital - and yes I drove myself there and back....someone had to stay home and do bedtimes1!

Okay Forrest is running, well crawling through the house and finding all sorts of stuff to get into that isn't good - like I think the garbage bags...gotta run! Will post birthday photos at some point soon!

has it really been 3 weeks?

Amazing how time flies when you are working your pants off. I had someone the other day make the statement, or at least started to say, that getting woken up at 5:15 am isn't that big of a deal when you aren't going to work. Um hello?! I may not be able to leave my house to "work" but trust me I am working. Harder than I even have in my life. And frankly I love it. Not every hour of every day, but what a gift to be the mom of these 2 little boys. They make me laugh all the time, as well as tear out my hair.

Forrest is going to be 1 in 4 days. I can't believe it's been an entire year. I jokingly said to Chris the other night, "wanna have another?" seriously, I can't see myself with 3, or even being able to afford more than 2, but there is such a sweetness to Forrest that I would love to have another one like him. Of course with my luck I'd have the devil child and rue that thought. Skye is improving daily. He's got his moments where he really pushes every limit and boundary, and then he's got these very sweet moments. The sweet definitely outweigh the nasty. It just seems like some days he wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and is out to punish everyone. Luckily it's only about 1 time a week.

We've been to the zoo a number of times in the last few weeks. It's a great way to entertain the kids, I get a bit of walking exercise (which is good, especially if Chris and I keep getting the elephant ears when we go together), and the kids get to see some animals. Skye loves the fish, and had the crap scared out of him yesterday when one of the new cheetahs came right up to him face to face in the glass. He jumped backwards and grabbed on to me so fast, it was sweet and a little funny. He wouldn't budge for the life of us for some time after once he realized that he wasn't going to be eaten. I think that poor cheetah is just waiting for one of these little kids to become a snack.

I'm going to try and attach 2 videos from today. It's funny we had some very dear friends meet Skye last weekend - randomly ran into my teachers at sushi on saturday night - and Mas Goeroe Agoeng Barbara was so surprised at how little Skye is. I just smiled and said we're hoping he gets to 5.5 feet. People seem to forget that he's mayan, and little. I guess it's that big old spirit that makes him look so big. Trust me he's just a peanut. He's currently wearing 18 month clothes, and that's only b/c we need them to fit around his belly. We'd put him in 12 month clothes if they'd fit. Oh well.

Okay it's only going to be one b/c this is taking forever! If you have facebook, friend me and you'll see some of the others, that way I can load them and do other things while it's taking FOREVER!

Okay here are the videos. I'll try to be more mindful about updating, but we'll see...

As I said in the very first blog, this process is going to be a day by day event. I won't say this has been a good week, in fact it's had many more downs that ups. Luckily the week ended on a high note. I'm not sure what happened over the last 24 hours, but even Chris commented that Skye seems like a different person, and Forrest isn't a cranky little beast. I will say that for me I went to bed at 8:00 last night, and slept until Forrest awoke at 6:30 - well I actually got up at 3:30 to hold & nurse Forrest through a bad dream. I feel like a different person. Skye also wasn't challenging me as much as the days prior. Maybe it's that I have a appointment with my social worker to process all of this, maybe it's that my unemployment has finally been figured out, maybe it's that I acknowledged that I'm bummed I didn't go back to work this year (or more importantly I lost a job that I really liked). Frankly I think it's a mix of everything.

I didn't post a really wonderful thing from the other day b/c with all the hard stuff, the good gets lost in the mix. I have to remind myself that it's the positive stuff that's the saving grace, and the nastiness will be the moving through stuff. Anyway, I was in the kitchen doing something (probably dishes!) and I hear Forrest squealing and laughing, I look over and both boys are lying on the floor by the back door and Skye is tickling Forrest. They are both laughing up a storm and acting like brothers. I almost cried, but instead I cracked up right along with them. Of course as all 2 year olds do he pushed it too far and put Forrest into a head lock and sent him off crying, but it was one of those moments that gives me hope. The other amazing thing that has happened this week was at the block party. I didn't witness this, but it was reported to me by Chris and about 3 other neighbors. Forrest was upset about something while my neighbor Chris was holding him - can I just say that he is the best human with children I've ever met, too bad he's gay, he'd of been the best of dads! My Chris went over to him, at the same time Skye showed up with Forrest's water bottle. Without being asked, or even talked to, he heard his brother crying, found his water bottle and brought it to him. These are the precious moments that I hold on to when the days are bleak. There is such a kind, sweet, compassionate little boy in there. I feel so grateful when he comes out and says hi.

This is definitely a work in progress. I feel so lucky and taken care of by my friends and teammates. We have consistently had dinner brought to us every other night since Skye's arrival. My mom has come once a week and hung with Forrest so I can spend time with Skye. I just want to acknowledge all these people, because without them I know I wouldn't make it through this process:
Silvia - for organizing food, being a rock solid teammate, and always being there
Daniela - my friend, my confidant, my old punk buddy
Abi - who brought us the best dinner, including wine & dessert!
Peg - brought enough food for 3 dinners, wow
Tai - who signed up for 3 dinners almost in a row as school was starting
Anna B - not only for the wonderful dinner, but the frequent flier miles that got Chris to guatemala for free, and first class no less!
Amy - my neighbor who is becoming a friend and is such an inspiration with her 4 children, it gives me hope that I can handle 2.
Sandy (and Nancy) - who just keep coming by with food on random occasions b/c they have it, and it is soooooo good!
Julia - for such great spanikopita and friendship that is boundless
Rachel - your enchiladas were great, and your friendship is even better
Nong - not only is Calvin one of the cutest babies I know, this woman can cook! Her corn cakes have become a main stay in our household.
KK & SaSa & Isaac - dinner with you was so great, we love your calmness in parenting and our very long friendship
Tabitha - for food, friendship, mama-hood together, and all that other stuff. you rock sista!
Momza - you keep coming over and Forrest is finally not crying. I am so grateful for the time you take with your grandson so I can work with the other. I may not say it enough, but I love you tons!

There are other folks through the rest of the month, but these folks have been there so far. Can't wait to go see our friends Scott, Jamie, Natalya, & Tristan on Sunday. They've got a farm out in Oregon City and we are going to hang out there and have dinner. I miss having them as neighbors, but I gotta say our new 'hood is okay.

Okay gonna go watch tv with the hubby and take a moment.

facing the facts

Things have, as always, been up and down the last few days. The block party went well, although I did have to bodily carry Skye into the house when he didn't want to give up the scooter that one of the girls up the street let him use. It's so hard to give things that you really love back. Hopefully we don't have too many of these incidents.

Today, and yesterday, I had some rough incidents with Skye. Yesterday I had a friend come by, another mama friend, and I'm not quite sure what happened but he freaked out when she left. Sitting on the curb and screaming Mama! at her car driving away. I had to carry him into the house and then hold him. Meanwhile poor Forrest is melting down b/c his brother is screaming and I can't do anything but let him lie on the floor and cry b/c I'm worried that if he gets too close to Skye, Skye will whallop him. Also in the long run Forrest will bounce back much more quickly than Skye. The other sucky thing was when I decided to do an attachment check with Skye today. I gave him his bottle, as usual, but pressed him for eye contact during the bottle. He not only refused, but started to scream and then tear himself away. This is a HUGE red flag for me. No I don't think we've got a full blown attachment dx, but there are warning signs. I know he needs to be here for 3 months, at least, before we look at any "lables" but I also know that things aren't quite right. The general exhaustion I feel, and the incessant tugging at me that Skye does. Seriously, he will say mama 1000 times a day for no reason than to get my attention. It may seem funny until you hear it all day long.

Okay, gotta go Forrest is not crying himself back down, he's crying himself hysterical. Will this mama ever get a moments rest?