updates, thoughts, etc

It has been so long since I last posted. Not because there isn't anything to share - I'm a mom to 2 toddlers there is something to share EVERY day - but because I've been so busy and more than that I've been processing so much from the past 2 years.

I was out to lunch with a great friend yesterday and was talking about the last year or so and what it's meant to be a mom, but not only being a mom but a mom to 2 children who have come to me in such different ways. I realized, as we were talking, that I haven't shared with many the grief and anger that I've been going through since Skye has come home. Nor have I shared some poignant things that happened in the first few days of his homecoming that set the stage for the dance we've been doing ever since.

As I was putting dishes away just now I was thinking about my first trip to Guatemala and the immense emotions that went with that trip. I held Skye, who was just a little baby, for the first time and also had to give him back for the first time. No one but an adoptive parent who went through this process will ever truly understand the heartache and grief that follows when you hand your child to someone and watch him drive away. The only thing that I am so grateful for is he really had NO idea who we were, so being driven away was so much worse for us than him. There is a grief that encompasses you that can really only be lifted as your child sleeps in your own home for the first time.

But this is where our story gets muddy. Skye's first night in our home was perhaps the hardest and most painful moment of my time as a mother. He was sleeping with Chris in our bed and as I came to bed to sleep with my son he rolled over on his back, put both feet on my and pushed me out of my own bed. We were so new at all of this that I just left and slept in another room for the next 3 nights. The following days any time Chris showed me any affection Skye would throw himself on the floor and wail. Yes it is heartbreaking. Yes the manifestation of his trauma was the saddest thing I have ever witnessed. But what very few people have ever gotten, or expressed that they get, is that the person he was rejecting was his mother. You can go through every book, every reason, everything everything everything, but as his mother I cannot express to you how heartbreaking it is to be rejected by your own child. Again we can go through the psyche of all of this, but the reality is YOU are not living in my skin and feeling the sadness that can envelope you. The frustration that you can never do anything right, and the grief that your own child despises you. May I remind you that I am a counselor and I understand the reasonings behind all of this, but the heart hurt is the piece that is not logical.

So why am I writing all of this today? Because I feel like for the first time in a very long time I understand my own part in this dance, and I understand how I did not share the grief that I was feeling. I'm most likely going to be writing parts of my thoughts over the next few days for 2 reasons:

1. To download them out of my brain

2. To allow someone else who may be facing the daunting task of raising an attachment disordered child to see that there is hope, and that you are NOT alone.

I have made more mistakes in the past 15 months than I can ever express. And I forgive myself for those mistakes. I did not go into each transgression with low intentions or the thought that my behavior was going to "damage" my son. I was a mom who was so confused, stuck, angry that I didn't know what to do. And I will say that I went through months of counseling to help me, but it's like putting a bandaid over a gaping wound, it held it shut but it didn't heal. The healing takes time. But more than time, the healing takes telling, which is what I am doing here.

Today I realized, well in the past week or so, that I don't hate my son anymore. You can say what a terrible thing to say. What an awful mom I must be, he's such a hurt small little boy who didn't choose this. And I will agree to all of it. But what no one really says, is "you poor mom. this must be so hard on you. how heartbreaking to have your son reject you. how scary that must feel." Again I realize that focus always goes on the child, but without the mom the child is lost. No one has ever been able to flip my switch as quickly as Skye can. No one has ever made me question everything there is about me as well as Skye can. What I will say is that I have persevered through this madness and am coming out the other side. For the first time in months I feel more like myself than I have in so long. I can't say I'm grateful for what Skye has put me through, I'm not there yet. What I can say is that I'm grateful that I'm finding the capacity to love him, despite all the crap we are going through. That I'm grateful that a few of my close friends have understood that what I needed to hear wasn't "poor Skye" but "how are you doing?" "What can I do to support you?"

This process is far from over, and I do what my counselor suggested to keep me on the even keel - I don't wake up every morning hoping for a good day, I wake every morning expecting a tornado and give my thanks that night when we have calm seas.

And away we go!

A lot is getting ready to change in the next 24 hours around here, and I'm both excited and totally stressed to see how it plays out. I have been recalled back to work, and am so excited to be going back to the work that I see as a part of who I am. At the same time there is that mama guilt of what the impact will have on leaving my sons a few days a week. Honestly I know this is the best thing for all of us. I am NOT a good stay at home mother and wife. Sure I can do it, and do it well, but I'm not full of joy. My teacher told me I am the most social person she knows and she is amazed that I have been able to be home for close to 2 years without a daily connection to adults. Now we are going to see how meshing the 2 parts of my life will play out.

Work is already interesting. I have been called back to a middle school, which I am not exactly going to jump up and down about. The real gift for this school is the counselor has been there for over 25 years and has been able to envision a real school counseling program, I know I will learn so much from her. The challenge right now is my hours. My initial contract with the district was for .6 fte, basically working 3 days a week. As a returning mom to the work force, this was a perfect schedule. Enough time away from the boys and at work to feel like I'm doing some good work, but enough time at home that I don't feel like someone else is raising my sons. I got a call a few weeks ago letting me know that due to budget cuts I was losing a day and would only be working .4 fte, 2 days a week. I'm not sure how this is really going to work for our counseling program. I have a call into my union, basically asking the question "how will cutting me a day and putting another counselor in 1 day a week going to keep the continuity of our program?" If a teacher was losing .2 of her fte, would she be able to bump a middle school teacher 1 day a week? Doubtful. Once again I am so lucky to have a strong union and a contract that may be able to protect me.

I just got back from a trip to southern oregon with the boys. Chris unfortunately had to cancel his part of the trip due to work issues. It was a hard trip, even though I was with my mom and sister I'm still primary caregiver to the boys and not really able to every just shut down - until they were asleep. Even though it was a lot of work, there was something very magical about having my sons at my family's cabin. My great-grandmother built the cabin in 1938, so the boys are the 5th generation to spend time in that cabin and throw rocks in the lake. Unfortunately I forgot my camera, so I'll have to get photos from my mom to share the joy.

Okay Skye is sitting on the floor screaming b/c he's lost the option of going down to the basement with Daddy & Forrest, so I should go hang out with him. I'll try to keep this up a bit better than once a month, but now that I'm a working mom, that may be more than I could do.

No harm meant

I just want to clarify some things that were written in my blog a few days ago, because my words hurt some people - without meaning to. When I was talking about family, there was no intention to disregard or ignore my blood family - or more specifically my mom, sister & brother. To me, my connection with them doesn't need explanation, all you have to do is see us together to know we are a family. In my eyes this is the "easy" family to identify, because this is who so many see as real family. By talking about other types of family, I was simply sharing other parts of my life and my self.

I have been connected to my Tulen family for over 20 years and they are as much a part of my family as those who share my DNA. As the mother of an adopted son, I feel it's so important for him to see and understand that it's not just DNA that connects a person to his family, it's shared experiences and feelings of love. The sharing of joy, sorrow, fun, laughter, jokes, meals, training, and so much more. To me, this "other" family that I have is as connected to me as my blood family. It would be disregarding them if I didn't talk about them. And it many ways it would be devaluing my 3 year old as not "mine" if I saw family as only those who are connected to me by blood.

I hope those who felt disregarded understand that there was no low intention by my previous post, and if there are please accept my heartfelt apologies. Sometimes when I blog, actually always when I blog, it's whatever is forefront in my brain at that exact moment and usually I write it and then post it, without looking at it later.

sick boys, missed parties, and trips to seattle

This is all happening within the next 24 hours. I slept in today (if someone told me before I had kids that sleeping in would be until 8:30 I would have laughed!) and woke up to Chris telling me that Forrest had puked all over him this morning. He said at first he panicked because the vomit was red, and then realized that it was because he'd eaten raspberries last night!

Our friend Marshall was having a 2 year old birthday party today and we had to cancel because we didn't want any of the kids to get this illness. Even though Skye is so far symptom free, he could blow at any minute. I am so bummed missing this party. We see Marshall (and his mama Tabitha) at lease once a week and we were so looking forward to going. We'll just have to see them later this week!

We are supposed to take the train to Seattle tomorrow to go see a baseball game (thanks Bro for the tickets!) but now everything is on hold. My dear sweet husband very rarely has a strong opinion about things, but he said to me that if either of the boys are remotely sick there is NO way he is getting on a train with him. Cross your fingers that we can make it - if not that hotel room is gonna cost us big time! At least I have friends in Seattle who we can gift the tickets to and offer them a night in a hotel. Someone might as well use it! We'll see. If we do make it, I'll be sure and post photos of us hootin' it up in Seattle. If we don't then I'll post photos of the sick little boys. Hopefully this is something short and quickly moved through. Damn kids, why can't they tell you how they are feeling? ha ha ha.

Life is weird. That is all I really have to say right now.

I know I promised months ago!

These are loading in a weird manner, but here are some recent photos of my life:

Forrest has taken to wearing my shoes an clomping around the house.

This handsome dork is my little brother, out for a visit from Chicago

(unfortunately no photos of his lovely girlfriend Jen.)

My older sister Kristen and her partner Kenny.

Skye hanging out on the pool during the hot few days.

Skye after too much italian ice at a concert at Mt. Tabor (and before I shaved his head!)

Forrest showing off his blue eyes.

Stacking his best friends on the stairs.

Skye giving me the "what are you looking at Lady?" look.

Enjoy!

Months go by and everything changes!

I could write for days about the past 4 months. Tell stories, share triumphs, extoll tragedies, and so much more. But if I were to do that I would be on here for hours and you don't really want to read all of that, now do you?

Today was the final of the world cup in South Africa, seeing Spain defeat our beloved Netherlands 1 - 0. It was a sad end to such a triumphant cup for the boys in orange, and we had fun regardless. Forrest slept through most of the game, Skye was the showman that he always is. After the game he spent close to an hour just playing with my teacher Mas Goeroe Janesa, and wowing her with the amazing physicality that he possesses. Forrest of course kind of ran around in circles.

Today, well today was the end of a few days actually, of thinking about what exactly is family. How do you define those that you call family? What are the binds that create them, what are the things that break those binds? What does family mean in your life? In my life? In the world as a whole? As many of you know I have been estranged from my father since I was basically 10 years old. We reconnected when I was in my 20's, but soon drifted apart again. I have not heard from him in close to 15 years, and then out of the blue I get a friend request from my dad (you gotta love technology!). What I found most powerful was that instead of it spinning me out into a panic state (like it did for many years between 16 - 26), it gave me pause for thought. To respect my father I will keep most of those thoughts out of this blog - no they aren't all negative, but I feel many of these questions need to be asked of him directly before I spill them out to the cyber universe. What I will say is the thoughts mainly led to "how will reconnecting with him, and my extended family, impact my sons?" No real thought for me and what impact it would have on me, but how will my sons feel about this? How will they feel if their grandfather comes into their lives and then suddenly disappears again? Is this important for them? I did accept the friend request, and have subsequently sent out a request to my step-sister, and basically have put it out to the universe. At this stage it is in his hands, my dad's not God's, how this proceeds forward.

But back to family. Today I was surrounded by those that I view as my family, even though not a one of us shares any DNA. My teammates were here, people who have seen me at the absolute best and horrifying worst and still love me the same. My mama friend and her family, who is becoming a better friend every day and is someone I'm excited for my boys to grow up knowing. And of course my teacher Janesa. There are no words to describe what this woman is to me - mother, sister, friend, teacher, confidant, torturer. What I can say is when she is around I am home. She has been in my corner since I was in my early 20's, has pushed me through some of the hardest things I have EVER faced in my life, and is just a phone call away if I am ever in need. She is my family, the root of who I am. And that root extends out to all my tulen family. I don't write/talk much anymore about my training, not because I'm not actively practicing right now, but because there is no way to describe what this community means to me. I have other connections and friends, but this is my core.

Lately I have been feeling called back to Tulen to train, and the call has been welcome. It's not that I've ever "quit" training, but it's been a challenge finding the time with all the change in my life. And honestly it's been hard to figure out who I was in connection to my training. Those answers are coming, and instead of pushing I am just letting them float to me through joy.

Life is a trip. Anything can happen to change what you think you know. Anything can happen that can change who you think you are. What I do know today, in this moment, in this space, is that I am surrounded by joy and family. As I listen to the quiet of my house as my sons are sleeping and my husband (truly the center of my joy and my rock through all things in my life!) watches some geeky thing on tv, the only thoughts that come to me is that I am blessed. There are so many things in the world that are wrong, but right here right now all is right.

I know I know I promised photos

My camera is somewhere in the chaos called our house. When I find it I'll try for the coast photos. They are priceless, especially the nudie Skye after his unplanned dip in the ocean and mama forgot all the extra clothes.

We have had some good days and bad days around here. My amazing counselor - who does pretty much counseling for adoptees and their parents exclusively - reframed some of the struggles I was having when we have bad days. Reminding me that even though we have good days, it is going to be a roller coaster and to prepare for the bad and rejoice in the good. Since I've started that things seem much smoother. When a bad day comes, I'm already prepped and ready to roll with it. When a good day comes, I am grateful for another good day. Funny how it's all in the perspective.

Forrest continues to grow and blossom into such a neat little boy. Today we had a HARD afternoon with Skye. Post nap he just wasn't able to pull it together, which happens sometimes, and I ended up doing a very long hold on him. It's the first time in a while that I've had to hold Skye when Forrest is around, and no one else is here. Forrest really tried to hold himself together. Finding Akbar, coming to sit at my feet and make eye contact with me so I could reassure him that Skye was just having a bad day. Finally he fell apart, crawled up on the couch, leaned into my side, hugged the monkey and just cried into my ribs. Total suck. It's hard enough when one boy is crying, and three times as hard when they are both crying. Thank god I was clear and calm enough to just tell them both I loved them, they were safe, it was okay to be sad, and mama was there to take care of them. Of course Forrest bounced back faster than his brother. He even got his sippy cup and shared it with Skye.

But here is the amazing part. After dinner, when Skye was still eating and F-dude was done, Forrest tooled around the house finding toys for Skye and giving them to him at the table. He started with Skye's monkey and then proceeded to find every toy in the house that he thought Skye would like. This is something that Skye has done in the past when Forrest was upset. The fact that he understood what a hard time Skye had had, and that he was able to try and make him feel better 90 minutes later just blows my mind. There is a sweetness to that one that I hope we can retain for the duration of his life. Chris and I both burst into tears during this episode and had to reassure Skye that we were okay.

Wow my life is a continual roller coaster. Most times I am grateful for the gifts that I have been given, but some days I just want to go back to having 1 child - which seems so funny that I thought 1 was so hard just a few short months ago! As far as we know Skye is staying, our counselor has talked with us about disruption, simply to let us know we don't HAVE to do this. Do we want to disrupt? Of course not. And there are many factors that go into that decision. I'm not really going to go into the details here, and will say at this stage our intention is to keep Skye in our home and family.

Each day is still a day by day process. Each day has it's gifts and challenges. The biggest blessing I have is a husband and partner who supports me through all of this and gives me the strength to face another day of questions and doubt with my head up and my eyes open.